Taken from my Facebook status:
Me, original post: Mother's Day! A day where I am supposed to be so happy, and revel in
all my offspring. But I can't enjoy it fully. It has been a day that has
stung ever since 1992, the first Mother's Day since I was pressured
into relinquishing my parental rights by the adoption machinery. They
exploited me because I was young and poor, so that an infertile couple
could fulfill their covetous desires. Happy Mother's Day.
PW: Careful
with the term covetous. It's a desire many have and yet when
unfulfilled the heart aches more and more. God gave them a gift through
you. I'm sorry you can't focus on the many blessings you have on
Mother's Day.
MF: Oh, P. I won't even start.
But Laura Grout
- I am so very sorry you are hurting. Your loss is real. Your grief is
real. I am so sorry your motherhood and personhood was not respected all
those years ago. Know you are held in my heart and prayers the
difficult weekend.
MF: cov·et·ous
ˈkəvətəs/
adjective
adjective: covetous
having or showing a great desire to possess something, typically something belonging to someone else.
The
scriptures are absolutely clear on this matter. Exodus 20:17 "Thou
shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy
neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox,
nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."
We
are commanded, by God, to not covet ANYTHING. That includes children.
There is no addendum stating that infertile couples get a pass on this
commandment. They are under the same law as the rest of us.
Unfortunately, God didn't include "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's
children or the single unwed mother's newborn." Perhaps it might have
been better if he had spelled that out, Pamela. Then folks would
understand that being infertile does not exempt them from covetous
behavior.
MF: (Sorry Laura Grout, I couldn't restrain myself.)
MF: And PS, P: http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/adoption-is-regifting-from-god/
Me: I correctly used the word covetous. It is absolutely covetous to desire another person's child.
Me: And P,
I do see the many blessings I have, but I also have an incurable grief
that will never pass because I caved under the tremendous pressure and
brainwashing that made me believe it was my idea to give my baby away.
It wasn't at all my idea.
NOT AT ALL. I caved. There was nothing brave, courageous, or selfless
about it, but those are the lies I tried so hard to believe all these
years. So when my kids make their little pictures and give them to me,
and pick their handfuls of dandelions and show me their pretty bouquets
on Sunday, I will enjoy it, but I will also be thinking of all the
missed Mother's Days without my daughter. This unresolvable grief makes
it difficult to nurture and care for my other children, because every
time I look into their eyes, I miss all the times I could have looked
into my daughter's eyes. Every time I put my baby to my breast, I am
reminded of the flowing milk I was forbidden to give my first baby, and
the emotional and physical pain I had drying up. Mothers and babies are
NOT interchangeable. God gave my baby to ME, not to someone else.
It's not at all like the Michael McLean song, "From God's Arms to My
Arms to Yours." No, and it's sick that anyone could even think that! A
line from the song, "I knew the only peace I'd find was if this child
was yours," BULL! I haven't felt peace in over 22 years.
Me: It
isn't covetous to want children. Wanting offspring is a righteous
desire. Wanting someone else's children is covetous. That's a big
difference.
ML: Laura Grout
I'm so sorry for your pain. Thank you for your courage to express
yourself. We must be more aware in every instance, not just this issue,
where our behavior impacts others. Especially when we are in a
position of power and stewardship over
someone else. We must tread very carefully when another's agency is
concerned. Force ALWAYS feels bad. ALWAYS. Even if it looks like the
"right" thing, if it's forced, it's going to feel awful. May you be
surrounded by understanding hearts and be gentle with yourself as you
grieve such a tragedy.
GK: Have you tried to find your daughter?
Me: Yes.
GK: I hope you are reunited some day.
Me: Me,
too. It's a long story. We had contact all through her childhood, and
into young adulthood, but our relationship was strained when I didn't
even know it was, and she cut off contact with me over a year ago. I
don't know if she'll ever give me another chance, or if it is hopeless.
GK: I'm
so sorry Laura, that must make it even harder. I hope time heals the
wounds in her heart, and that she realizes how much you love her and
comes back.
Me: The
aching, never-ending grief, which is completely dismissed by most of
society (as if I don't have permission to feel motherly feelings for my
own child... FEELINGS which I TRIED to repress for two decades, which
ended up pushing my daughter away from me... I'm such a good
birthmother, right? I didn't make the a-parents worry one bit... I was
always "good"), sucks the joy out of life. I have to really make an
effort every day, just to breathe. I spent much of the month of March
(the month that my son died, and the month that my daughter cut off
contact) contemplating the best way to commit suicide, and then talking
myself out of it again.
I
always think of my daughter everyday, and have for over 22 years. When
she cut off contact, I started reading and learning about the negative
effects that adoption has on adoptees (clinical information from
professionals, and anecdotal stories from individual adoptees), and then
the full horror of what I did to my daughter hit me. I struggle every
day to breathe in, breathe out, and find a way to forgive my 15 year old
self. I wasn't given ALL of the information I needed to make the right
choice for my daughter. I was, instead, fed a story that my daughter
would live a happier, unicorn, rainbow life without me. Why was I fed
this lie? Because the people who have the money are the people who have
the power, and a young 15 year old girl doesn't have either money or
power.
I wrote a long comment and I think the computer ate it. :( Can you write her, now that she's older you could pour your heart out to her and I believe one day she'll want to reconnect to heal her own pain if nothing else. Say what you said here, that you were trying to do what you believed she wanted you to do, what you were supposed to do that would be best for her. I'm so sorry, and for this to have happened the same month you lost Elliot, there are no words to express... you are very strong. If you can, reach out to her one more time, just so she'll know how much you love her and leaving the door wide open for her.
ReplyDeleteI have, multiple times, and she has not responded.
DeleteI am so sorry for your loss and that you were coerced into putting your daughter up for adoption. As an adoptive mother (through foster care) I hope that the adoptive parents might not have known about the pressure put on you. And to say that they coveted your baby in particular is pretty bold. Perhaps they did seek you out in particular and want your specific baby, I don’t have that information. But to just plain want a child in general and go about it legally (even if your were coerced, they might not have known) is not coveting. As someone who wanted more children and couldn't have anymore I did not covet other people's children, I didn't stare at them and think oh wow I wish I could have THAT child. No I wished I could have a child and multiply and replenish the earth which is a commandment that I was unable to do. And unfortunately for some people the only way to get a child is through adoption. But that does not mean they are out to TAKE someones child away. I hope they are out to take a child into their home that needs one, I can’t say that for sure they are because each case is different. If we had gone the traditional way I would be so upset to find out if a BM was treated the way you were.
ReplyDeleteIn our case we hoped to be able to help families put their lives back together and then if that was not possible we would be willing to adopt. And yes extended family was contacted and were unable to parent our daughter. We have ongoing contact with various people on both sides, including BM.
Lumping all adoptions as horrible baby stealing stories isn’t healthy for anyone. Yes yours sounds like a very sad story. But saying that adoption itself is horrible is like a divorced person saying that all marriages are horrible. There are different people in each situation and nothing is black and white because with humans choices nothing is black and white. You can’t lump them all into one category.
I’ve been enlightened to some of the feelings our BM might be experiencing after reading your blog. And I hope to be able to deal with them appropriately. But I would hope you can see past your pain for a minute and realize that when you write you could refer to SOME adoptions and not ALL adoption.
I for one am not a rich, infertile, covetous woman out to steal another persons baby. I am a middle class, able to get pregnant but they keep dying woman. Mine was a righteous desire to have more children and hopefully help a family heal in the process.
I’m so sorry you and many other I’ve read about years ago have had such a horrible experience. I hope going forward more adoptions remain open for more healing of all parties involved. Bless you.
Julie, foster care adoptions are more tolerable for me, in that the birth family is either dead or has been proven unfit (whether they are actually unfit could be disputed, but assuming they are truly unfit), and all biological relatives have usually been contacted in hopes of finding a legal guardian or adoptive parent within the child's kin. Also, in a lot of foster care adoptions, typically adoptive parents are more educated on the impacts on their children from losing their first family, whatever the reason is. Sometimes visitations and keeping in contact is encouraged. This is all healthy, because the adoptee can have some very unhappy effects. The unhappy stuff doesn't come from the adoption (assuming the adoptive family is loving and aware of psychological impacts), but from the original loss of family.
DeleteThat said, I still stand by my use of the word covetous. Coveting doesn't mean that you have to desire someone else's particular child. It means that you desire anyone else's child. Wanting children is a righteous desire. But wanting the children born to another family because you can't have them yourself is not right. It's just not right, no matter how you frame it. Just because some things are legal doesn't mean they are morally correct.
Taking in children from the foster care system because it's what is good for the children is noble, but let's be real and acknowledge that in many cases foster care adoption, or any adoption would not be considered if the adoptive parents could have had children of their own. It's second-best in the minds of many potential adoptive parents.
I realize that acknowledging the pain of first families and adoptees is hard for adoptive parents because it causes cognitive dissonance. I don't expect to change the world with my posts, but if I can tell my story, maybe I will help a potential birth mother avoid the same disaster. Maybe I will help an adoptive parent understand the pain their adoptive child feels, or possibly even facilitate some healing between the adoptee and the first family. Maybe I will help an adoptee have a voice.
I am sorry for your pregnancy losses. I am now also amongst the ranks of women who have carried a child in their womb but never alive in their arms. Three weeks ago I gave birth to a stillborn son, David, at 20 weeks gestation. His cord was entangled and tightly wrapped around his neck twice, and we believe that was the cause of his demise. So, now I have three children to grieve for. My son, Elliott, died from unknown causes at 19 months of age. Of all my losses, I must say that losing my daughter to adoption hurts worse than losing either of my sons. God took my sons home, but I know they will always be mine. My daughter will never be mine. I didn't miss anything with either of my sons. With my daughter, I missed everything. My sons were surrounded by their mother's love and nurturing during their entire existences. My daughter has never felt my love and nurture since the day I left her in the arms of her adoptive mother.
I really truly do agree with a lot of what you have said. I hope you can raise awareness and if it's best for that birth mother to keep her child then wonderful. And I really hope that more education about the impacts on all parties becomes more available to all involved. I have no idea what if any classes are required to do traditional adoption. But I do know that I really appreciate all the education I have gotten about open adoption and the need for our daughter to know more about her birth family. I’m so grateful for the contact that I have with them so I can save it for her and let her know about them.
DeleteAdoption has never been second best for us. We actually started foster care classes before ever having any biological children. I was still very young then and I had never been a mother. I was not ready to be able to do that yet. It is a bit ironic that I was not able to physically have anymore children.
I can speak for myself that I do not love her any less than my other children, in fact sometimes I'm afraid they might THINK I love her more because they watched all the losses I endured. She came to us suddenly (2 hours) I had 9 months with each biological child to fall in love.With her I didn't even know she existed, if we would be her family for 1 day, 1 week, 1 year. But I did know that I loved her with all my heart and she needed me to be her mommy. There was a time she would be going to another family to be adopted. My heart broke and I felt myself distancing from her for the weekend to more of a caregiver than a mom. She became inconsolable and cranky. I realized I had to be all in or nothing. I put my heart back into being her mom and she was a happy girl again. Those months were the hardest thing I have ever done. Being someones mother who you absolutely love and knowing that they would be leaving.
I doubt we will ever agree on our views about the coveting. Which is fine we can have differing views. We are both emotionally based in this area and unlikely either will change. I still feel that wanting a child is righteous and if you can be the home for a child who needs one then it’s wonderful. There will always be a need for some children to have a different home other than their birth family.It sounds like you were ready to be a mother at a young age, not all girls are. Who better to take them than those who truly desire to be a parent or have more children. I didn’t desire to have someone elses child i had a desire to have our child. And we were blessed to find her, blessed to know her birth mother is happy she is here with us and her birth paternal grandmother is overly happy she found our family. I have never experienced giving a child up for adoption (as stated above it almost happend, even if she was not biologically mine, love is love) so I can’t know your pain anymore than you can know the pain of not being able to bare a child. It is a very horrible pain and you have no control over it whatsoever.
I guess I got the impression from your posts that you thought adoption altogether was horrible. I had been reading a lot of blogs that morning and there were a lot of negative about adoption. It can be a very beautiful thing. And I am so grateful that I have been able to reach out to our birth mother and that we are building a relationship with her. She has written some very beautiful things to our daughter. And when I say our daughter I mean hers and mine. “Your mommy Julie is so wonderful ‘John doe’ and I knew from the moment we met her that our dear Heavenly Father sent her to us just to be your mama.” I just cried when I read that from her. I know that not all adoptions are like ours. But it can be beautiful.
I’m so sorry yours has been painful. I really do hope your posts help those who are struggling with their decision. Even if they still go with adoption i’m sure there is something about how they go about it that they will learn here. I know I am now extra grateful for the relationship I have been building with our birth mom.