Sunday, March 16, 2014
The wisdom of Solomon
Solomon knew the feelings of a true mother would be revealed when he gave his verdict to divide the baby in half and give half to each mother who claimed him. The true mother was given the baby, not the woman who coveted the child. Just another scripture story supporting biological family ties.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
The sun is shining
The sun is shining. The laundry is mostly caught up. The dishes are
also mostly caught up. There is food in the house, and the house is
warm. I have good friends who love me, even if they don't understand me
all the time. I get to see the faces of most of my children everyday.
The children who are not with me, I grieve for deeply, but I need to
live for the ones that I still have in my care. Breathing is so hard
sometimes when you live under the weight of heavy grief, but the sun is
shining. It looks like a good day for a run outdoors.
Background for anyone who does not know me personally:
My daughter, Jennifer is not the only child for whom I grieve. My 19 month old son, Elliott, died March 14, 2011. It's just two days away from being 3 years since he passed. I miss him terribly. Also, I miss my son, Alexander. He made some bad choices and is paying the price for them through the juvenile justice system. I miss these children every minute of every day.
Background for anyone who does not know me personally:
My daughter, Jennifer is not the only child for whom I grieve. My 19 month old son, Elliott, died March 14, 2011. It's just two days away from being 3 years since he passed. I miss him terribly. Also, I miss my son, Alexander. He made some bad choices and is paying the price for them through the juvenile justice system. I miss these children every minute of every day.
Continuous loop
I keep replaying my pregnancy and the first few days after Jennifer's birth over and over again my head, seeing so clearly now, all the deception and the carefully orchestrated design made to prevent me from keeping my baby. It replays over and over, and each time I keep screaming to myself at every point where I could have chosen to keep my baby. I see all the times when I could have escaped the "adoption plan" and then felt I was being bad for entertaining the thought.
While I was still pregnant, my grandpa's girlfriend, Ina, called me. She begged me to keep my baby, even offered me money so that I could keep my baby. By then I had resigned myself to the adoption, and had been pre-matched with a couple. I didn't want to let them down. I had promised them I would give them my baby. Also, I was single, and there was zero chance of getting married, because of my age and because the baby's father and I hadn't spoken during the entire pregnancy. We were both so young. My parents had been through a divorce, and I felt estranged from my father. I felt I had grown up without a dad, and that no matter how much money I had, I couldn't give her a dad unless I gave her away to strangers. While this was true, I was mistaken in thinking the remedy for my child having no father was to also not have her mother.
Just after the birth, I held my baby, caressed her, and studied her face. She was a beautiful baby, as are all of my children. I instantly loved her. I remember sitting up in bed crying and a staff member at the hospital came in and saw me crying and went and got someone to sit and talk with me. I think it was a nurse. I remember feeling enormous pressure to give my baby away, and this nurse was kind and offered me free pictures of my baby, a lock of her hair, and a hospital (unofficial) birth certificate with my daughter's foot prints on it. I agreed to these things. I hoped it would make it easier. I still have them tucked away, though most of my treasured pictures of her babyhood and childhood got water damaged at a later date. I still have that birth certificate. In fact, my daughter, Gwen, found it in my things a few days ago and brought it to me. She said she thought it might be important. I said it was important, and I told her what it was, then put it away safely. There was a place I could have jumped off the adoption train. I could have told that nurse that I didn't want to give my baby away, and could have asked for help. I could have asked to be shown how to breastfeed, and put my baby up to the breast right that moment. I did tell the nurse that I wanted to pump for my baby and give her my milk, because I knew that was the best thing for her. I wanted my baby to have the best, even if it hurt me. I was convinced that giving her away was the best thing for her, because it seemed like that was what all the responsible adults were telling me. Why didn't I listen to Ina?! I wish I could have that moment back!
I remember sobbing while handing my baby over to Denise. She asked me if there was anything she could do to make it easier on me. It was a chance to get off the adoption train. I could have said, I don't want to do it! Instead, I said, be the best parents you know how to be. Denise later told me that after I left the room, she almost went down the hall and called me back to take my daughter. I told her, I would have taken my baby back from you that instant and never looked back. I wanted my baby! I wanted my baby!
Jennifer's bilirubin was high (probably because she was born at 37 weeks and because she wasn't being breastfed on demand, which helps flush the body of the broken down red blood cells), and so she had to stay at the hospital after I was discharged. After a day or two at home, I told my mom, I wanted to go back to the hospital and check on my daughter. I hadn't signed away my parental rights yet. My mom told me she wouldn't take me. I wish I had told her that I changed my mind and wanted to take my baby back. I couldn't drive myself to the hospital, or I would have driven to my baby's side and held her again.
Jennifer was born on a Wednesday. The court hearing was on the following Tuesday. She was six days old. I remember saying to the social worker/adoption agent that I didn't know if I could do it. She asked me if I wanted to put my child in foster care a few days and think it over. I thought I was being bad by entertaining the thought, so I quickly snapped the idea out of my head and said, no, I didn't want my baby to go to foster care. I wanted as little upheaval for her as possible. What I really wanted was to hold my baby again. My arms were aching with emptiness. I went to the hearing. It felt like I was in a fog. I don't know what happened. My mind has blocked that memory. I was shocked that I went through with it. I could have changed my mind, but wanted to be "good" and follow through with what I had promised. Oh how I wish I could undo that moment!
These memories keep replaying in my head over and over and over. I keep screaming to myself to have courage, to be truly brave. Everyone said I was being brave and courageous to give my baby up, but I didn't feel it. I felt defeated and beaten down. I needed a carseat, clothes for my baby, and diapers. I needed someone to help me navigate applying for welfare services. It was daunting. I tried during the pregnancy to apply for the help I needed and attended a WIC informational meeting. I found out I would need my parents' cooperation with income reporting and felt absolutely overwhelmed. My parents had never before given me access to their financial information. I felt it was a forbidden topic, so I went home from that appointment and just cried and cried and cried. And then I looked up adoption agencies in the phone book.
From the moment I called the adoption agency, they began calling me a birth mother, as though I had already decided to give my baby away. I instantly felt pressured and coerced. They gave me letters from potential adoptive parents to read, and all of them addressed me as a birth mother. So, I thought I was a birth mother, and to think otherwise I was somehow being selfish. After all, everything from the agency said it was a SELFLESS act to give my baby away. So, conversely, I would have been selfish to keep my baby, right? I asked to meet a couple from one of the letters, and that's when I met Kelley and Denise. I felt sorry for them, being unable to have a baby of their own, and because I was meeting them, I felt I had already promised them my baby. It was all so carefully done. I asked for information about adoption and was given an image that made it sound like my child would have a lifetime of lollipops, unicorns, and rainbows. I was assured my child would know she was adopted, and because of that, she would be okay with it, and wouldn't suffer any ill-effects from it. I was given hope that I would someday reunite with her and that we would have a happy, uncomplicated mother-daughter relationship. I was brought to numerous adoption panels so I could be served this kool-aid over and over and over. Looking back, I can see the brainwashing so clearly.
All of these thoughts are in a continuous loop in my head. I wake in the morning and I'm instantly replaying these memories. I replay them all day long, and fall asleep thinking about Jennifer, trying to hope, praying she will change her mind and talk to me again. I feel absolute despair about it, though.
While I was still pregnant, my grandpa's girlfriend, Ina, called me. She begged me to keep my baby, even offered me money so that I could keep my baby. By then I had resigned myself to the adoption, and had been pre-matched with a couple. I didn't want to let them down. I had promised them I would give them my baby. Also, I was single, and there was zero chance of getting married, because of my age and because the baby's father and I hadn't spoken during the entire pregnancy. We were both so young. My parents had been through a divorce, and I felt estranged from my father. I felt I had grown up without a dad, and that no matter how much money I had, I couldn't give her a dad unless I gave her away to strangers. While this was true, I was mistaken in thinking the remedy for my child having no father was to also not have her mother.
Just after the birth, I held my baby, caressed her, and studied her face. She was a beautiful baby, as are all of my children. I instantly loved her. I remember sitting up in bed crying and a staff member at the hospital came in and saw me crying and went and got someone to sit and talk with me. I think it was a nurse. I remember feeling enormous pressure to give my baby away, and this nurse was kind and offered me free pictures of my baby, a lock of her hair, and a hospital (unofficial) birth certificate with my daughter's foot prints on it. I agreed to these things. I hoped it would make it easier. I still have them tucked away, though most of my treasured pictures of her babyhood and childhood got water damaged at a later date. I still have that birth certificate. In fact, my daughter, Gwen, found it in my things a few days ago and brought it to me. She said she thought it might be important. I said it was important, and I told her what it was, then put it away safely. There was a place I could have jumped off the adoption train. I could have told that nurse that I didn't want to give my baby away, and could have asked for help. I could have asked to be shown how to breastfeed, and put my baby up to the breast right that moment. I did tell the nurse that I wanted to pump for my baby and give her my milk, because I knew that was the best thing for her. I wanted my baby to have the best, even if it hurt me. I was convinced that giving her away was the best thing for her, because it seemed like that was what all the responsible adults were telling me. Why didn't I listen to Ina?! I wish I could have that moment back!
I remember sobbing while handing my baby over to Denise. She asked me if there was anything she could do to make it easier on me. It was a chance to get off the adoption train. I could have said, I don't want to do it! Instead, I said, be the best parents you know how to be. Denise later told me that after I left the room, she almost went down the hall and called me back to take my daughter. I told her, I would have taken my baby back from you that instant and never looked back. I wanted my baby! I wanted my baby!
Jennifer's bilirubin was high (probably because she was born at 37 weeks and because she wasn't being breastfed on demand, which helps flush the body of the broken down red blood cells), and so she had to stay at the hospital after I was discharged. After a day or two at home, I told my mom, I wanted to go back to the hospital and check on my daughter. I hadn't signed away my parental rights yet. My mom told me she wouldn't take me. I wish I had told her that I changed my mind and wanted to take my baby back. I couldn't drive myself to the hospital, or I would have driven to my baby's side and held her again.
Jennifer was born on a Wednesday. The court hearing was on the following Tuesday. She was six days old. I remember saying to the social worker/adoption agent that I didn't know if I could do it. She asked me if I wanted to put my child in foster care a few days and think it over. I thought I was being bad by entertaining the thought, so I quickly snapped the idea out of my head and said, no, I didn't want my baby to go to foster care. I wanted as little upheaval for her as possible. What I really wanted was to hold my baby again. My arms were aching with emptiness. I went to the hearing. It felt like I was in a fog. I don't know what happened. My mind has blocked that memory. I was shocked that I went through with it. I could have changed my mind, but wanted to be "good" and follow through with what I had promised. Oh how I wish I could undo that moment!
These memories keep replaying in my head over and over and over. I keep screaming to myself to have courage, to be truly brave. Everyone said I was being brave and courageous to give my baby up, but I didn't feel it. I felt defeated and beaten down. I needed a carseat, clothes for my baby, and diapers. I needed someone to help me navigate applying for welfare services. It was daunting. I tried during the pregnancy to apply for the help I needed and attended a WIC informational meeting. I found out I would need my parents' cooperation with income reporting and felt absolutely overwhelmed. My parents had never before given me access to their financial information. I felt it was a forbidden topic, so I went home from that appointment and just cried and cried and cried. And then I looked up adoption agencies in the phone book.
From the moment I called the adoption agency, they began calling me a birth mother, as though I had already decided to give my baby away. I instantly felt pressured and coerced. They gave me letters from potential adoptive parents to read, and all of them addressed me as a birth mother. So, I thought I was a birth mother, and to think otherwise I was somehow being selfish. After all, everything from the agency said it was a SELFLESS act to give my baby away. So, conversely, I would have been selfish to keep my baby, right? I asked to meet a couple from one of the letters, and that's when I met Kelley and Denise. I felt sorry for them, being unable to have a baby of their own, and because I was meeting them, I felt I had already promised them my baby. It was all so carefully done. I asked for information about adoption and was given an image that made it sound like my child would have a lifetime of lollipops, unicorns, and rainbows. I was assured my child would know she was adopted, and because of that, she would be okay with it, and wouldn't suffer any ill-effects from it. I was given hope that I would someday reunite with her and that we would have a happy, uncomplicated mother-daughter relationship. I was brought to numerous adoption panels so I could be served this kool-aid over and over and over. Looking back, I can see the brainwashing so clearly.
All of these thoughts are in a continuous loop in my head. I wake in the morning and I'm instantly replaying these memories. I replay them all day long, and fall asleep thinking about Jennifer, trying to hope, praying she will change her mind and talk to me again. I feel absolute despair about it, though.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Truthful adoption quotes
I have, in my association with adoptees and birth/first/natural/biological mothers had some really validating conversations. Here are some quotes from conversations I have had, used with permission. This list will be added to as the conversation is not over.
"No , you are missing the point. The EXPERIENCE of extreme loss of mother at birth and beyond, at the point of separation, and ongoing, is a physical and emotional and psychological experience, it is not an intellectual experience. it is not a knowing and a rational (that is something else onto, and that comes along with genetic bewilderness and displacement) . It is a loss of their complete world, their wholeness, their mothers heartbeat, feelings, thoughts, rhythm, the mothers, and other of those around them, voice and energy. their familiarity.. bonding starts at conception, in utero. it is bonding of heart, mind. they know.they feel. they come out expecting to be with this world they have grown in, the world they have formed as forming themselves, and lose this and are taken into a foreign world, before they can speak, before they can react, beyond emotional development. Their ID is developing and their whole world has been ripped away. They go into shock. Their only way to cope is to cut off from the old world. and go into a new. and to only know grief as a living normal from their first beginning into this material world. (as I imagine it would be) adoption was meant to be about the care of orphans when there was no other choice. not creating orphans for the life style or moral disposition of culture or as 'remedy' to infertility of others. We expect these children to live with the greatest fear all children have, the loss of their mother, that their mother didn't want them, it underpins all our horror tales in childhood, and we expect them to be happy about it. " ~Kim
"Mothers are NOT interchangeable any more than our children are interchangeable." ~Melynda
"On rejection... it is not so much the mother rejecting the child, but society rejecting the mother." ~Liz
"I agree that a mother and a father who are sealed to each other and neither partner has ever cheated on the other *IS* the ideal situation in which to raise a child. The Family: A Proclamation to the World clearly states: 'Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.' However, we live in a fallen world where sometimes, we don't get the 'ideal' or even that to which we are entitled (to use the language from The Family: A Proclamation to the World). Sometimes, a parent dies. Sometimes parents get divorced. Sometimes parents who are sealed in the temple and married, fail to live up to other covenants.
"Do you have any of those situations among your own family and friends? Do you have any siblings, cousins, parents, uncles or aunts, or friends who passed away or got divorced, leaving behind the other parent to raise children as a single parent? Have their been any cases of infidelity in your family? (You don't have to really answer those questions in this public space, I am just asking you to relate this to your own life).
"If we, who claim to be God's people, are to fully implement The Family: A Proclamation to the World with absolute exactness, then the LDS church should urge *every* parent who is single for whatever reason (death, divorce, etc. - not just single expectant parents), parents who are not sealed to their spouse (part member families), or a parent who has cheated or been cheated on by their spouse 'do the right thing' and place their child(ren) for adoption in a home that has a mother and a father who are sealed in the temple and and have never participated in infidelity of any kind. After all, it clearly states children are 'entitled' to this kind of home.
"However, both you and I both recognize this to be a laughable suggestion, that EVERY parent who is single, not sealed to their spouse, or has been cheated on should relinquish their child(ren) for adoption to a sealed-in the temple couple. The push (social coercion) for single expectant parents to live to a different standard than all of the rest of the LDS membership is indicative of the black and white thinking our culture tends to engender. 'There's a right and a wrong to every question' sounds great in a hymn, but real life is a bit messier. There tends to be grey areas in which we have to use common sense, compassion, and our judgement.
"Socially engineering a substitute 'ideal' through the removal of a child from their biological kindred is NOT ****always**** the answer. Indeed, even the LDS church recognizes this. One of their primary arguments against same-sex marriage is, (as they state in their recent amicus curiae), 'Both social science and our own experience have taught that children thrive best when cared for by both of their biological parents.' This position is rather ironic considering their stance on urging single expectant parents give their infant non-biological people to raise.
"I love this church with all my heart, but this is one of those areas where efforts to socially engineer a substitute 'ideal' comes in conflict with some of our fundamental beliefs about the centrality of family and the importance of family preservation through genealogy and temple work.
"I don't know how this Gordian knot will be unraveled, what I *do* know is it is duplicitous of us, as the Lord's people, to say that 'Biological family matters!!!! They matter so much we spend MILLIONS of dollars a year helping people seek out their biological kindred dead. Family matters, except in the case of those girls who get themselves pregnant, then biological families don't matter to her, the father, OR their baby and she should give their baby to a couple who is sealed in the temple because, after all, that child is 'entitled' to parents who are sealed in the temple and don't cheat on each other.'
"Family matters. Mothers and fathers matter. Children matter. None are interchangeable, even when a parent is single (for whatever) or not sealed to their spouse." ~Melynda
"No , you are missing the point. The EXPERIENCE of extreme loss of mother at birth and beyond, at the point of separation, and ongoing, is a physical and emotional and psychological experience, it is not an intellectual experience. it is not a knowing and a rational (that is something else onto, and that comes along with genetic bewilderness and displacement) . It is a loss of their complete world, their wholeness, their mothers heartbeat, feelings, thoughts, rhythm, the mothers, and other of those around them, voice and energy. their familiarity.. bonding starts at conception, in utero. it is bonding of heart, mind. they know.they feel. they come out expecting to be with this world they have grown in, the world they have formed as forming themselves, and lose this and are taken into a foreign world, before they can speak, before they can react, beyond emotional development. Their ID is developing and their whole world has been ripped away. They go into shock. Their only way to cope is to cut off from the old world. and go into a new. and to only know grief as a living normal from their first beginning into this material world. (as I imagine it would be) adoption was meant to be about the care of orphans when there was no other choice. not creating orphans for the life style or moral disposition of culture or as 'remedy' to infertility of others. We expect these children to live with the greatest fear all children have, the loss of their mother, that their mother didn't want them, it underpins all our horror tales in childhood, and we expect them to be happy about it. " ~Kim
"Mothers are NOT interchangeable any more than our children are interchangeable." ~Melynda
"On rejection... it is not so much the mother rejecting the child, but society rejecting the mother." ~Liz
"I agree that a mother and a father who are sealed to each other and neither partner has ever cheated on the other *IS* the ideal situation in which to raise a child. The Family: A Proclamation to the World clearly states: 'Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.' However, we live in a fallen world where sometimes, we don't get the 'ideal' or even that to which we are entitled (to use the language from The Family: A Proclamation to the World). Sometimes, a parent dies. Sometimes parents get divorced. Sometimes parents who are sealed in the temple and married, fail to live up to other covenants.
"Do you have any of those situations among your own family and friends? Do you have any siblings, cousins, parents, uncles or aunts, or friends who passed away or got divorced, leaving behind the other parent to raise children as a single parent? Have their been any cases of infidelity in your family? (You don't have to really answer those questions in this public space, I am just asking you to relate this to your own life).
"If we, who claim to be God's people, are to fully implement The Family: A Proclamation to the World with absolute exactness, then the LDS church should urge *every* parent who is single for whatever reason (death, divorce, etc. - not just single expectant parents), parents who are not sealed to their spouse (part member families), or a parent who has cheated or been cheated on by their spouse 'do the right thing' and place their child(ren) for adoption in a home that has a mother and a father who are sealed in the temple and and have never participated in infidelity of any kind. After all, it clearly states children are 'entitled' to this kind of home.
"However, both you and I both recognize this to be a laughable suggestion, that EVERY parent who is single, not sealed to their spouse, or has been cheated on should relinquish their child(ren) for adoption to a sealed-in the temple couple. The push (social coercion) for single expectant parents to live to a different standard than all of the rest of the LDS membership is indicative of the black and white thinking our culture tends to engender. 'There's a right and a wrong to every question' sounds great in a hymn, but real life is a bit messier. There tends to be grey areas in which we have to use common sense, compassion, and our judgement.
"Socially engineering a substitute 'ideal' through the removal of a child from their biological kindred is NOT ****always**** the answer. Indeed, even the LDS church recognizes this. One of their primary arguments against same-sex marriage is, (as they state in their recent amicus curiae), 'Both social science and our own experience have taught that children thrive best when cared for by both of their biological parents.' This position is rather ironic considering their stance on urging single expectant parents give their infant non-biological people to raise.
"I love this church with all my heart, but this is one of those areas where efforts to socially engineer a substitute 'ideal' comes in conflict with some of our fundamental beliefs about the centrality of family and the importance of family preservation through genealogy and temple work.
"I don't know how this Gordian knot will be unraveled, what I *do* know is it is duplicitous of us, as the Lord's people, to say that 'Biological family matters!!!! They matter so much we spend MILLIONS of dollars a year helping people seek out their biological kindred dead. Family matters, except in the case of those girls who get themselves pregnant, then biological families don't matter to her, the father, OR their baby and she should give their baby to a couple who is sealed in the temple because, after all, that child is 'entitled' to parents who are sealed in the temple and don't cheat on each other.'
"Family matters. Mothers and fathers matter. Children matter. None are interchangeable, even when a parent is single (for whatever) or not sealed to their spouse." ~Melynda
"At least you did not abort when faced with a hard situation."
The
thing that was hard about it was the overwhelming pressure to abort or
"at least give my baby up for adoption." I actually WANTED my baby, as
does every [sane] woman in the world. Of course I wanted my baby.
Don't you want your children? Of course
you do! The hard thing was the lack of support for any decision except
to "get rid of the problem." I was counseled early in the pregnancy to
abort "before it was too late." Later in the pregnancy, I was
counseled to "do the right thing and give my baby up." I finally caved.
I didn't do it because I didn't want responsibility. I didn't do it
because I didn't want to hold and love and care for my baby. I did it
because almost everyone I knew told me to do it. Only one person ever
counseled me NOT to give my baby up, and by then, I was already
pre-matched with Jennifer's parents and felt I owed it to them not to
disappoint them. I wish I had listened. She even offered me money to
help me out so I could keep my baby. I wish I had given her my list of
things I needed... a carseat, clothes, diapers. I was too brainwashed
by then.
Applying logic to the argument in favor of relinquishing
I was told that because I was an unwed mother, and that my baby would not have her father in her life, I should give my baby up for adoption, so she could be raised by a married couple.
So, using this same logic, should a pregnant woman, if she becomes widowed during the pregnancy or shortly after the birth of her child also relinquish her baby for adoption?
How about a pregnant woman getting a divorce, or a new mom getting a divorce? Should the child be torn from its remaining kin? I mean, afterall, the child would never know a father. That's the logic, right?
How about all the single women who adopt children? I know two single women who have adopted children. Oh, that's okay, right? Why?
The double standard is sickening.
So, using this same logic, should a pregnant woman, if she becomes widowed during the pregnancy or shortly after the birth of her child also relinquish her baby for adoption?
How about a pregnant woman getting a divorce, or a new mom getting a divorce? Should the child be torn from its remaining kin? I mean, afterall, the child would never know a father. That's the logic, right?
How about all the single women who adopt children? I know two single women who have adopted children. Oh, that's okay, right? Why?
The double standard is sickening.
"You don't understand what it's like to be infertile!"
No, I don't. I am not infertile, and I don't understand what pain that must be to live with, pining for a baby of your own and never having it. But, I do read my scriptures, and they say that the barren woman will be blessed beyond the woman who has many children. They also say not to covet. No where in the scriptures do I read that an unwed mother should give away her child to a married couple. Just my observations.
Why I started this blog
I have been processing a lot of feelings concerning the placement and adoption of my daughter, Jennifer. I've been posting them on my Facebook wall, and I don't want these things to be lost, so I decided to start a blog. Here are some of my recent comments.
3/11/14 (in response to another birthmother pointing out that we didn't have the internet back then)
Yes, we were isolated and our stories were never told before the internet. When a young pregnant mother contacted an agency and asked for information, she was given a sales pitch of how great it would be for their child. It seemed like lollipops and rainbows and unicorns. Now that the full truth can be had through the internet, I hope that sharing my pain, my story will help someone else avoid the same pain. What I have learned is that my story isn't unique. There's nothing wrong with me. I have been validated in reading the accounts of other birth parents and adoptees. I really should start a blog for my random comments concerning adoption.
3/10/14
Sometimes it is easier to believe that my baby was stolen from me, or that I was forced to relinquish my parental rights, because it is harder to accept the truth, that I chose my own worst nightmare and did it to myself. Yes, there was pressure, yes, there was lack of support, but in the end, I did it to myself, and to my daughter. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would never have listened to all the naysayers. I would have followed my heart. I wanted my baby girl. I even had a used crib set up in my bedroom, and was trying to get the money pulled together to buy a car seat. I went to a yard sale and bought some used clothes for her. I turned 15 just ten days before she was born. I was delighted when I found out it was a GIRL! I wanted a girl so much! I wanted to breastfeed. Even though I never put her up to my breast to nurse, I pumped milk for her and had the social worker bring it to her parents so that she would have her mother's milk. I wanted to give her the best.
3/8/14 (posted in an LDS birth mother support group page)
I've been bouncing some ideas on doctrine around in my head. This is my newest "aha" moment. I hope the Spirit will confirm whether this is truth to me, and to you. So, here it is: Our children are sealed to their adoptive parents (mine wasn't because she wasn't raised in an LDS home, but if her temple work was done, she would be sealed to her parents). What does this actually mean? From what I can read about it, it means that our children have claim upon their a-parents for their upbringing, for teaching them the gospel, and that they are given the rights to the parents' priesthood, and lineage. Okay. Does it mean that our children cannot have any association with us, or relationship with us in the eternities? I cannot find anything that says we won't know them, or that they won't know us. I think of the handful of lifelong friends I have, and how I am sure I will know them in the eternities, and have a relationship with them. It wouldn't be Heaven without these friends. Even more so, it wouldn't be Heaven if I didn't know and have a relationship with my daughter, whether or not she has any claim on my lineage, or on me to teach her the gospel. All I want is to know her and to be loved by her and to love her. That's it. Does our loving Heavenly Father actually want to stop our motherlove from reaching our children? That seems so contrary to everything I know about Him. So, as the birth mothers, the first mothers, the natural mothers of these children, what can we do in this life so that Heaven will really be Heaven? I think we can do as we would do for any of our other children. Pray and fast for them. Pray that their hearts will be turned to God and that they will know and love and follow their Heavenly Father. Pray that they will be sealed to their spouses, because THAT is the saving ordinance.
Some other things have crossed my mind that I want to offer up to this little group. Moses was adopted, but his life mission and identity and lineage was with his birth family, not his adoptive family. When Hagar gave birth to Ishmael in the wilderness, the Lord blessed them. She was basically a single parent, because Sarah sent her away. Is single parenthood really that terrible, if the Lord blessed her? When Joseph and Emma Smith adopted the Murdock twins, were they sealed to them? Are women really saved in childbearing and rearing, if they are able to raise those children up to the Lord and offer up to the Lord a righteous posterity? If so, then how much will it affect us eternally that we do not have stewardship over, and claim upon our relinquished children? After reading over the counsel in the handbook again, it says that if the unwed parents place their baby for adoption, it will bless the birth parents, adoptee, and adoptive parents for time and eternity. What specific blessings have we been given, as the birth parents? I'm especially interested in what eternal blessings we will have. When the scriptures say that the barren woman will be blessed above the woman who has many children in the eternities, I take that to mean that they will have children of their own. If that is the case, then why would they need our children? I don't think they will. It's quite possible they may give our children back to us. Sorry for my ramblings... I just have so many deep, unanswered questions.
3/8/14 (in response to a friend saying that she had changed her thoughts on adoption due to my postings)
It has taken me over two decades to finally start saying what is in my heart and in my mind. I think I was afraid to see the truth, because it is so unimaginably excruciating. I'm finally facing the reality of what I have done. It is absolutely the most horrifying and terrible thing I have ever done in my life. It's wrenching. Thoughts and memories of moments harrow my soul continuously. For a long time, I drank the kool-aid, trying to believe that adoption was something good and positive so that I could live with myself. Now I see it for what it is. I cannot go back in time and undo it, but I can tell the truth about adoption and maybe help those around me realize they aren't helping anyone when they encourage an unwed mother to give her baby, her own flesh and blood, away to someone else.
3/7/14
Don't tell a birthmother that she should really just get over it, after all, it's been so many years. Stop telling her that she was very brave, courageous, loving, and selfless. I drank that kool-aid for too many years. It's crap. All of it. The truth? I felt enormous pressure to do the "right thing" and give my baby away to strangers, and I finally gave into that pressure. I can honestly say now, over 22 years later, this was the absolute WORST decision I have ever made. Grief over my daughter, J, and grief over my son, Elliott, have similarities, but with J, it's the loss of all the missed birthdays, all the firsts, all the holidays, loss of an ongoing relationship in her adult life, and the loss of her as my daughter for eternity. Losing Elliott, while terrible, has finality in this life, and hope for absolute happiness and fulfillment in the eternities. I haven't missed any of his birthdays, because they haven't happened yet. I still get to enjoy those special times during the millennium. It's something I can look forward to, and it eases my pain. I declare, after losing two children, one through adoption and one through death, that losing a child through death is actually EASIER than losing a child through adoption. Not only is it harder to lose through adoption, but society treats the two completely differently. A birthmother is told to dry her tears and move on. A bereaved parent of a dead child is comforted, because society recognizes the loss of a child to be the worst grief a person can experience, and rightfully so (but the loss of a child through adoption is JUST AS TERRIBLE, and THE PAIN LASTS FOR ETERNITY). I will never be whole without ALL of my children, and that can never be.
2/9/14
March is just around the corner. It marks three years since my baby son, Elliott, died, and one year since my relinquished daughter, Jennifer, decided to cut off contact with me. I grieve deeply. I grieve for more than one child, and in a way that most people cannot understand, because they don't think I have the right to consider her my child. I listened to them for over 21 years, to the destruction of my relationship with her, and now I'll never get another chance, not here, and not in the hereafter. My grief is everlasting. Pile that grief for Jennifer, plus the grief for Elliott, and add the missing of and worry over my son, Alex, who is in prison right now... pile it all together, and it's not hard to see why I am so sad. And could the sun come out and let's just have spring now? I'm becoming less and less able to keep it together when Lonny is absent. Am I mentally disabled in some way, or just having a normal reaction to several deep and penetrating, life-altering, sad, on-going experiences? I'm tired of pulling myself up by the boot straps and facing life. Every day is punctuated with several crying sessions. Really. Every. Single. Day. Please, don't call me. Don't private message me. I can't accept your reaching hands right now. I'm too deep in the pit. Too deep. Just pray that I might have peace, and help me to forgive myself for a lifetime of poor decision-making. And for God's sake! Don't tell another unwed pregnant teenager to abort or to give her baby away to strangers!!! HELP her to find a way!
2/7/14 (a hopeful moment, after many hours in prayer and meditation)
I know the truth when I hear it, because my spirit leaps with joy, hope, and peace within me. That's what I must cling to when I need courage and strength and assurance. That's how Jesus is wiping away my every tear.
3/11/14 (in response to another birthmother pointing out that we didn't have the internet back then)
Yes, we were isolated and our stories were never told before the internet. When a young pregnant mother contacted an agency and asked for information, she was given a sales pitch of how great it would be for their child. It seemed like lollipops and rainbows and unicorns. Now that the full truth can be had through the internet, I hope that sharing my pain, my story will help someone else avoid the same pain. What I have learned is that my story isn't unique. There's nothing wrong with me. I have been validated in reading the accounts of other birth parents and adoptees. I really should start a blog for my random comments concerning adoption.
3/10/14
Sometimes it is easier to believe that my baby was stolen from me, or that I was forced to relinquish my parental rights, because it is harder to accept the truth, that I chose my own worst nightmare and did it to myself. Yes, there was pressure, yes, there was lack of support, but in the end, I did it to myself, and to my daughter. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would never have listened to all the naysayers. I would have followed my heart. I wanted my baby girl. I even had a used crib set up in my bedroom, and was trying to get the money pulled together to buy a car seat. I went to a yard sale and bought some used clothes for her. I turned 15 just ten days before she was born. I was delighted when I found out it was a GIRL! I wanted a girl so much! I wanted to breastfeed. Even though I never put her up to my breast to nurse, I pumped milk for her and had the social worker bring it to her parents so that she would have her mother's milk. I wanted to give her the best.
3/8/14 (posted in an LDS birth mother support group page)
I've been bouncing some ideas on doctrine around in my head. This is my newest "aha" moment. I hope the Spirit will confirm whether this is truth to me, and to you. So, here it is: Our children are sealed to their adoptive parents (mine wasn't because she wasn't raised in an LDS home, but if her temple work was done, she would be sealed to her parents). What does this actually mean? From what I can read about it, it means that our children have claim upon their a-parents for their upbringing, for teaching them the gospel, and that they are given the rights to the parents' priesthood, and lineage. Okay. Does it mean that our children cannot have any association with us, or relationship with us in the eternities? I cannot find anything that says we won't know them, or that they won't know us. I think of the handful of lifelong friends I have, and how I am sure I will know them in the eternities, and have a relationship with them. It wouldn't be Heaven without these friends. Even more so, it wouldn't be Heaven if I didn't know and have a relationship with my daughter, whether or not she has any claim on my lineage, or on me to teach her the gospel. All I want is to know her and to be loved by her and to love her. That's it. Does our loving Heavenly Father actually want to stop our motherlove from reaching our children? That seems so contrary to everything I know about Him. So, as the birth mothers, the first mothers, the natural mothers of these children, what can we do in this life so that Heaven will really be Heaven? I think we can do as we would do for any of our other children. Pray and fast for them. Pray that their hearts will be turned to God and that they will know and love and follow their Heavenly Father. Pray that they will be sealed to their spouses, because THAT is the saving ordinance.
Some other things have crossed my mind that I want to offer up to this little group. Moses was adopted, but his life mission and identity and lineage was with his birth family, not his adoptive family. When Hagar gave birth to Ishmael in the wilderness, the Lord blessed them. She was basically a single parent, because Sarah sent her away. Is single parenthood really that terrible, if the Lord blessed her? When Joseph and Emma Smith adopted the Murdock twins, were they sealed to them? Are women really saved in childbearing and rearing, if they are able to raise those children up to the Lord and offer up to the Lord a righteous posterity? If so, then how much will it affect us eternally that we do not have stewardship over, and claim upon our relinquished children? After reading over the counsel in the handbook again, it says that if the unwed parents place their baby for adoption, it will bless the birth parents, adoptee, and adoptive parents for time and eternity. What specific blessings have we been given, as the birth parents? I'm especially interested in what eternal blessings we will have. When the scriptures say that the barren woman will be blessed above the woman who has many children in the eternities, I take that to mean that they will have children of their own. If that is the case, then why would they need our children? I don't think they will. It's quite possible they may give our children back to us. Sorry for my ramblings... I just have so many deep, unanswered questions.
3/8/14 (in response to a friend saying that she had changed her thoughts on adoption due to my postings)
It has taken me over two decades to finally start saying what is in my heart and in my mind. I think I was afraid to see the truth, because it is so unimaginably excruciating. I'm finally facing the reality of what I have done. It is absolutely the most horrifying and terrible thing I have ever done in my life. It's wrenching. Thoughts and memories of moments harrow my soul continuously. For a long time, I drank the kool-aid, trying to believe that adoption was something good and positive so that I could live with myself. Now I see it for what it is. I cannot go back in time and undo it, but I can tell the truth about adoption and maybe help those around me realize they aren't helping anyone when they encourage an unwed mother to give her baby, her own flesh and blood, away to someone else.
3/7/14
Don't tell a birthmother that she should really just get over it, after all, it's been so many years. Stop telling her that she was very brave, courageous, loving, and selfless. I drank that kool-aid for too many years. It's crap. All of it. The truth? I felt enormous pressure to do the "right thing" and give my baby away to strangers, and I finally gave into that pressure. I can honestly say now, over 22 years later, this was the absolute WORST decision I have ever made. Grief over my daughter, J, and grief over my son, Elliott, have similarities, but with J, it's the loss of all the missed birthdays, all the firsts, all the holidays, loss of an ongoing relationship in her adult life, and the loss of her as my daughter for eternity. Losing Elliott, while terrible, has finality in this life, and hope for absolute happiness and fulfillment in the eternities. I haven't missed any of his birthdays, because they haven't happened yet. I still get to enjoy those special times during the millennium. It's something I can look forward to, and it eases my pain. I declare, after losing two children, one through adoption and one through death, that losing a child through death is actually EASIER than losing a child through adoption. Not only is it harder to lose through adoption, but society treats the two completely differently. A birthmother is told to dry her tears and move on. A bereaved parent of a dead child is comforted, because society recognizes the loss of a child to be the worst grief a person can experience, and rightfully so (but the loss of a child through adoption is JUST AS TERRIBLE, and THE PAIN LASTS FOR ETERNITY). I will never be whole without ALL of my children, and that can never be.
2/9/14
March is just around the corner. It marks three years since my baby son, Elliott, died, and one year since my relinquished daughter, Jennifer, decided to cut off contact with me. I grieve deeply. I grieve for more than one child, and in a way that most people cannot understand, because they don't think I have the right to consider her my child. I listened to them for over 21 years, to the destruction of my relationship with her, and now I'll never get another chance, not here, and not in the hereafter. My grief is everlasting. Pile that grief for Jennifer, plus the grief for Elliott, and add the missing of and worry over my son, Alex, who is in prison right now... pile it all together, and it's not hard to see why I am so sad. And could the sun come out and let's just have spring now? I'm becoming less and less able to keep it together when Lonny is absent. Am I mentally disabled in some way, or just having a normal reaction to several deep and penetrating, life-altering, sad, on-going experiences? I'm tired of pulling myself up by the boot straps and facing life. Every day is punctuated with several crying sessions. Really. Every. Single. Day. Please, don't call me. Don't private message me. I can't accept your reaching hands right now. I'm too deep in the pit. Too deep. Just pray that I might have peace, and help me to forgive myself for a lifetime of poor decision-making. And for God's sake! Don't tell another unwed pregnant teenager to abort or to give her baby away to strangers!!! HELP her to find a way!
2/7/14 (a hopeful moment, after many hours in prayer and meditation)
I know the truth when I hear it, because my spirit leaps with joy, hope, and peace within me. That's what I must cling to when I need courage and strength and assurance. That's how Jesus is wiping away my every tear.
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