It's November. I am reminded of all the pain I caused my daughter through my rejection of her. I try to forgive myself by realizing that I was young. That makes me even more infuriated though. I was young. Because I was young I was exploited. The adoption machinery took advantage of my naivete. They didn't tell me the whole truth. They knew that relinquishing my daughter for adoption would cause me psychological harm that would last for the rest of my life. They also knew that being relinquished would cause my daughter to feel life-long rejection and abandonment. But they did such a good job at hiding this from me.
They convinced me that giving my child up, though extremely painful to me, was best for my daughter. They told me I had no right to be the mother of my child. I should purge every maternal feeling from my heart. So I did. I did such a good job at this and was patting myself on the back for being such a "good" birthmother. I didn't realize all this time how much I was hurting her. She never felt a part of my life, or wanted by me, and I inadvertently did all I could to ensure she would feel this way. All the time I was thinking that I was doing what was recommended, and what was best for her. My God! How I wish I could turn back the clock! I wish I would have listened to my young teenage heart. I knew more than I gave myself credit for at the time, and the adoption machinery preyed on my insecurity.
The agency had a "sale" to make. My daughter was their product. They were very careful with me so as to not lose the supplier of their product. Oh God! How can this ever be made right?! I can never make up for all the hurt I caused her. I can never make up for all the years I missed. I want to believe that Jesus will wipe away all my tears and all the tears of my daughter, but how can that be? My daughter does not want to be part of my life now, and I can understand why. I pushed her away so many times because I was being careful not to overstep my boundaries. In my final act of rejection, I went out of my way to exclude her from my list of children, mentioning her and then casting her aside as if she was not important to me in the least.
How could I have been so awful to her? Why didn't I see it through her eyes? How could I have been so blinded by the adoption mantra that birthmothers are supposed to sing... "I placed my child for adoption because I wanted a better life for her. I did such a wonderful, brave, courageous thing." I believed that for so many years. It was what I hung onto in my darkest hours for so many years. Now there is nothing to hang onto in my grief. The grief from losing my daughter and my horror at realizing all the pain I caused us both will never leave me. There is no light at the end of this tunnel. I feel just as hopeless and desperate as I did when I was pregnant with her. Only now there is no social worker, no adoption agency whispering the rainbow, lollipop, unicorn story in my ears. It's silent here. Silence in my empty heart that will never leave me.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
I agree 100% with this post!
Why I (an adoptive parent) am not pro-adoption
I could have written this myself, it spoke exactly the words in my mind, except that I am a first mom, not an adoptive mother.
I could have written this myself, it spoke exactly the words in my mind, except that I am a first mom, not an adoptive mother.
The Reader's Digest Version of My Story
I got pregnant when I was 14, and was given a lot of pressure to abort
my baby. I refused. So then the pressure and coercion to give my baby
up for adoption began. I felt hopeless and helpless, and I finally
decided to do what all the adults
wanted me to do. No one told me of the psychological damage that a
newborn can have that affects them for life by being ripped from their
natural mother. No one told me the lifelong grief I would experience.
We had contact all through her growing up years, and I thought this adoption thing had worked out just fine for everyone involved. Then my daughter cut off contact last year, after I had basically stabbed her heart and ripped it open by rejecting and abandoning her again and again. I thought it was my duty to push her to her a-parents. I thought I didn't have any right to feel motherly feelings towards her or even call her my daughter. She was supposed to be NOTHING to me. I complied. I was always a good birthmother, well-adjusted, and at peace with my decision. Always deferring to her a-parents.
When I was expecting baby #11, I was asking for baby name suggestions, and explained to my FB friends that I don't re-use any of the initials of any of my children, but I said we could re-use a J, because she was given up for adoption. Ouch. That really, really hurt her, but I thought I was doing what she wanted. I didn't think she wanted me to consider her my daughter. I didn't think I was allowed to think like that. So, after she saw that post, she cut off contact with me, and I believe she probably hates me.
Since that event, I have set out to educate myself and have learned a lot about the not-so-pretty side of adoption. I'm done drinking the adoption kool-aid. I am setting out to educate others, and by some of my posts, I have been successful. There have been a lot of debates in response to some of my posts, and I think it has been a learning experience for me and all those around me. We must never forget that everyone in the adoption triad had a choice, EXCEPT THE CHILD. Adoption is something that happened to the child.
Anyway, so that is the Reader's Digest version of my story.
We had contact all through her growing up years, and I thought this adoption thing had worked out just fine for everyone involved. Then my daughter cut off contact last year, after I had basically stabbed her heart and ripped it open by rejecting and abandoning her again and again. I thought it was my duty to push her to her a-parents. I thought I didn't have any right to feel motherly feelings towards her or even call her my daughter. She was supposed to be NOTHING to me. I complied. I was always a good birthmother, well-adjusted, and at peace with my decision. Always deferring to her a-parents.
When I was expecting baby #11, I was asking for baby name suggestions, and explained to my FB friends that I don't re-use any of the initials of any of my children, but I said we could re-use a J, because she was given up for adoption. Ouch. That really, really hurt her, but I thought I was doing what she wanted. I didn't think she wanted me to consider her my daughter. I didn't think I was allowed to think like that. So, after she saw that post, she cut off contact with me, and I believe she probably hates me.
Since that event, I have set out to educate myself and have learned a lot about the not-so-pretty side of adoption. I'm done drinking the adoption kool-aid. I am setting out to educate others, and by some of my posts, I have been successful. There have been a lot of debates in response to some of my posts, and I think it has been a learning experience for me and all those around me. We must never forget that everyone in the adoption triad had a choice, EXCEPT THE CHILD. Adoption is something that happened to the child.
Anyway, so that is the Reader's Digest version of my story.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Exploited by Adoption
This is a link I came across which I hope will be helpful for anyone trying to understand what first mothers feel, and what their experiences are.
Babies Taken for Adoption
Babies Taken for Adoption
Friday, May 9, 2014
A friend's FB post, trying to comfort me
A FB friend of mine tagged me in her post of this meme. I commented with this:
Me: I had to give one child back, because that's what God desired. I am at peace with that. I am not, and will not ever be, at peace with being exploited and robbed of my own flesh and blood, just to please the covetous desires of a wealthy, infertile couple. I didn't have to give my child away to anyone, as this meme says. I was just so young and naive, and the adoption machinery took advantage of me. I did not WANT to give my baby away. I was thrilled when I discovered I was pregnant. I WANTED my baby.
ML: I totally get it. You have every right to be so angry! And I still think you and every other mother deserves appreciation and respect.
Mother's Day
Taken from my Facebook status:
Me, original post: Mother's Day! A day where I am supposed to be so happy, and revel in all my offspring. But I can't enjoy it fully. It has been a day that has stung ever since 1992, the first Mother's Day since I was pressured into relinquishing my parental rights by the adoption machinery. They exploited me because I was young and poor, so that an infertile couple could fulfill their covetous desires. Happy Mother's Day.
PW: Careful with the term covetous. It's a desire many have and yet when unfulfilled the heart aches more and more. God gave them a gift through you. I'm sorry you can't focus on the many blessings you have on Mother's Day.
MF: Oh, P. I won't even start.
But Laura Grout - I am so very sorry you are hurting. Your loss is real. Your grief is real. I am so sorry your motherhood and personhood was not respected all those years ago. Know you are held in my heart and prayers the difficult weekend.
MF: cov·et·ous
ˈkəvətəs/
adjective
adjective: covetous
having or showing a great desire to possess something, typically something belonging to someone else.
The scriptures are absolutely clear on this matter. Exodus 20:17 "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."
We are commanded, by God, to not covet ANYTHING. That includes children. There is no addendum stating that infertile couples get a pass on this commandment. They are under the same law as the rest of us. Unfortunately, God didn't include "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's children or the single unwed mother's newborn." Perhaps it might have been better if he had spelled that out, Pamela. Then folks would understand that being infertile does not exempt them from covetous behavior.
MF: (Sorry Laura Grout, I couldn't restrain myself.)
MF: And PS, P: http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/adoption-is-regifting-from-god/
Me: I correctly used the word covetous. It is absolutely covetous to desire another person's child.
Me: And P, I do see the many blessings I have, but I also have an incurable grief that will never pass because I caved under the tremendous pressure and brainwashing that made me believe it was my idea to give my baby away. It wasn't at all my idea. NOT AT ALL. I caved. There was nothing brave, courageous, or selfless about it, but those are the lies I tried so hard to believe all these years. So when my kids make their little pictures and give them to me, and pick their handfuls of dandelions and show me their pretty bouquets on Sunday, I will enjoy it, but I will also be thinking of all the missed Mother's Days without my daughter. This unresolvable grief makes it difficult to nurture and care for my other children, because every time I look into their eyes, I miss all the times I could have looked into my daughter's eyes. Every time I put my baby to my breast, I am reminded of the flowing milk I was forbidden to give my first baby, and the emotional and physical pain I had drying up. Mothers and babies are NOT interchangeable. God gave my baby to ME, not to someone else. It's not at all like the Michael McLean song, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours." No, and it's sick that anyone could even think that! A line from the song, "I knew the only peace I'd find was if this child was yours," BULL! I haven't felt peace in over 22 years.
Me: It isn't covetous to want children. Wanting offspring is a righteous desire. Wanting someone else's children is covetous. That's a big difference.
ML: Laura Grout I'm so sorry for your pain. Thank you for your courage to express yourself. We must be more aware in every instance, not just this issue, where our behavior impacts others. Especially when we are in a position of power and stewardship over someone else. We must tread very carefully when another's agency is concerned. Force ALWAYS feels bad. ALWAYS. Even if it looks like the "right" thing, if it's forced, it's going to feel awful. May you be surrounded by understanding hearts and be gentle with yourself as you grieve such a tragedy.
GK: Have you tried to find your daughter?
Me: Yes.
GK: I hope you are reunited some day.
Me: Me, too. It's a long story. We had contact all through her childhood, and into young adulthood, but our relationship was strained when I didn't even know it was, and she cut off contact with me over a year ago. I don't know if she'll ever give me another chance, or if it is hopeless.
GK: I'm so sorry Laura, that must make it even harder. I hope time heals the wounds in her heart, and that she realizes how much you love her and comes back.
Me: The aching, never-ending grief, which is completely dismissed by most of society (as if I don't have permission to feel motherly feelings for my own child... FEELINGS which I TRIED to repress for two decades, which ended up pushing my daughter away from me... I'm such a good birthmother, right? I didn't make the a-parents worry one bit... I was always "good"), sucks the joy out of life. I have to really make an effort every day, just to breathe. I spent much of the month of March (the month that my son died, and the month that my daughter cut off contact) contemplating the best way to commit suicide, and then talking myself out of it again.
I always think of my daughter everyday, and have for over 22 years. When she cut off contact, I started reading and learning about the negative effects that adoption has on adoptees (clinical information from professionals, and anecdotal stories from individual adoptees), and then the full horror of what I did to my daughter hit me. I struggle every day to breathe in, breathe out, and find a way to forgive my 15 year old self. I wasn't given ALL of the information I needed to make the right choice for my daughter. I was, instead, fed a story that my daughter would live a happier, unicorn, rainbow life without me. Why was I fed this lie? Because the people who have the money are the people who have the power, and a young 15 year old girl doesn't have either money or power.
Me, original post: Mother's Day! A day where I am supposed to be so happy, and revel in all my offspring. But I can't enjoy it fully. It has been a day that has stung ever since 1992, the first Mother's Day since I was pressured into relinquishing my parental rights by the adoption machinery. They exploited me because I was young and poor, so that an infertile couple could fulfill their covetous desires. Happy Mother's Day.
PW: Careful with the term covetous. It's a desire many have and yet when unfulfilled the heart aches more and more. God gave them a gift through you. I'm sorry you can't focus on the many blessings you have on Mother's Day.
MF: Oh, P. I won't even start.
But Laura Grout - I am so very sorry you are hurting. Your loss is real. Your grief is real. I am so sorry your motherhood and personhood was not respected all those years ago. Know you are held in my heart and prayers the difficult weekend.
MF: cov·et·ous
ˈkəvətəs/
adjective
adjective: covetous
having or showing a great desire to possess something, typically something belonging to someone else.
The scriptures are absolutely clear on this matter. Exodus 20:17 "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."
We are commanded, by God, to not covet ANYTHING. That includes children. There is no addendum stating that infertile couples get a pass on this commandment. They are under the same law as the rest of us. Unfortunately, God didn't include "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's children or the single unwed mother's newborn." Perhaps it might have been better if he had spelled that out, Pamela. Then folks would understand that being infertile does not exempt them from covetous behavior.
MF: (Sorry Laura Grout, I couldn't restrain myself.)
MF: And PS, P: http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/adoption-is-regifting-from-god/
Me: I correctly used the word covetous. It is absolutely covetous to desire another person's child.
Me: And P, I do see the many blessings I have, but I also have an incurable grief that will never pass because I caved under the tremendous pressure and brainwashing that made me believe it was my idea to give my baby away. It wasn't at all my idea. NOT AT ALL. I caved. There was nothing brave, courageous, or selfless about it, but those are the lies I tried so hard to believe all these years. So when my kids make their little pictures and give them to me, and pick their handfuls of dandelions and show me their pretty bouquets on Sunday, I will enjoy it, but I will also be thinking of all the missed Mother's Days without my daughter. This unresolvable grief makes it difficult to nurture and care for my other children, because every time I look into their eyes, I miss all the times I could have looked into my daughter's eyes. Every time I put my baby to my breast, I am reminded of the flowing milk I was forbidden to give my first baby, and the emotional and physical pain I had drying up. Mothers and babies are NOT interchangeable. God gave my baby to ME, not to someone else. It's not at all like the Michael McLean song, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours." No, and it's sick that anyone could even think that! A line from the song, "I knew the only peace I'd find was if this child was yours," BULL! I haven't felt peace in over 22 years.
Me: It isn't covetous to want children. Wanting offspring is a righteous desire. Wanting someone else's children is covetous. That's a big difference.
ML: Laura Grout I'm so sorry for your pain. Thank you for your courage to express yourself. We must be more aware in every instance, not just this issue, where our behavior impacts others. Especially when we are in a position of power and stewardship over someone else. We must tread very carefully when another's agency is concerned. Force ALWAYS feels bad. ALWAYS. Even if it looks like the "right" thing, if it's forced, it's going to feel awful. May you be surrounded by understanding hearts and be gentle with yourself as you grieve such a tragedy.
GK: Have you tried to find your daughter?
Me: Yes.
GK: I hope you are reunited some day.
Me: Me, too. It's a long story. We had contact all through her childhood, and into young adulthood, but our relationship was strained when I didn't even know it was, and she cut off contact with me over a year ago. I don't know if she'll ever give me another chance, or if it is hopeless.
GK: I'm so sorry Laura, that must make it even harder. I hope time heals the wounds in her heart, and that she realizes how much you love her and comes back.
Me: The aching, never-ending grief, which is completely dismissed by most of society (as if I don't have permission to feel motherly feelings for my own child... FEELINGS which I TRIED to repress for two decades, which ended up pushing my daughter away from me... I'm such a good birthmother, right? I didn't make the a-parents worry one bit... I was always "good"), sucks the joy out of life. I have to really make an effort every day, just to breathe. I spent much of the month of March (the month that my son died, and the month that my daughter cut off contact) contemplating the best way to commit suicide, and then talking myself out of it again.
I always think of my daughter everyday, and have for over 22 years. When she cut off contact, I started reading and learning about the negative effects that adoption has on adoptees (clinical information from professionals, and anecdotal stories from individual adoptees), and then the full horror of what I did to my daughter hit me. I struggle every day to breathe in, breathe out, and find a way to forgive my 15 year old self. I wasn't given ALL of the information I needed to make the right choice for my daughter. I was, instead, fed a story that my daughter would live a happier, unicorn, rainbow life without me. Why was I fed this lie? Because the people who have the money are the people who have the power, and a young 15 year old girl doesn't have either money or power.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
The wisdom of Solomon
Solomon knew the feelings of a true mother would be revealed when he gave his verdict to divide the baby in half and give half to each mother who claimed him. The true mother was given the baby, not the woman who coveted the child. Just another scripture story supporting biological family ties.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
The sun is shining
The sun is shining. The laundry is mostly caught up. The dishes are
also mostly caught up. There is food in the house, and the house is
warm. I have good friends who love me, even if they don't understand me
all the time. I get to see the faces of most of my children everyday.
The children who are not with me, I grieve for deeply, but I need to
live for the ones that I still have in my care. Breathing is so hard
sometimes when you live under the weight of heavy grief, but the sun is
shining. It looks like a good day for a run outdoors.
Background for anyone who does not know me personally:
My daughter, Jennifer is not the only child for whom I grieve. My 19 month old son, Elliott, died March 14, 2011. It's just two days away from being 3 years since he passed. I miss him terribly. Also, I miss my son, Alexander. He made some bad choices and is paying the price for them through the juvenile justice system. I miss these children every minute of every day.
Background for anyone who does not know me personally:
My daughter, Jennifer is not the only child for whom I grieve. My 19 month old son, Elliott, died March 14, 2011. It's just two days away from being 3 years since he passed. I miss him terribly. Also, I miss my son, Alexander. He made some bad choices and is paying the price for them through the juvenile justice system. I miss these children every minute of every day.
Continuous loop
I keep replaying my pregnancy and the first few days after Jennifer's birth over and over again my head, seeing so clearly now, all the deception and the carefully orchestrated design made to prevent me from keeping my baby. It replays over and over, and each time I keep screaming to myself at every point where I could have chosen to keep my baby. I see all the times when I could have escaped the "adoption plan" and then felt I was being bad for entertaining the thought.
While I was still pregnant, my grandpa's girlfriend, Ina, called me. She begged me to keep my baby, even offered me money so that I could keep my baby. By then I had resigned myself to the adoption, and had been pre-matched with a couple. I didn't want to let them down. I had promised them I would give them my baby. Also, I was single, and there was zero chance of getting married, because of my age and because the baby's father and I hadn't spoken during the entire pregnancy. We were both so young. My parents had been through a divorce, and I felt estranged from my father. I felt I had grown up without a dad, and that no matter how much money I had, I couldn't give her a dad unless I gave her away to strangers. While this was true, I was mistaken in thinking the remedy for my child having no father was to also not have her mother.
Just after the birth, I held my baby, caressed her, and studied her face. She was a beautiful baby, as are all of my children. I instantly loved her. I remember sitting up in bed crying and a staff member at the hospital came in and saw me crying and went and got someone to sit and talk with me. I think it was a nurse. I remember feeling enormous pressure to give my baby away, and this nurse was kind and offered me free pictures of my baby, a lock of her hair, and a hospital (unofficial) birth certificate with my daughter's foot prints on it. I agreed to these things. I hoped it would make it easier. I still have them tucked away, though most of my treasured pictures of her babyhood and childhood got water damaged at a later date. I still have that birth certificate. In fact, my daughter, Gwen, found it in my things a few days ago and brought it to me. She said she thought it might be important. I said it was important, and I told her what it was, then put it away safely. There was a place I could have jumped off the adoption train. I could have told that nurse that I didn't want to give my baby away, and could have asked for help. I could have asked to be shown how to breastfeed, and put my baby up to the breast right that moment. I did tell the nurse that I wanted to pump for my baby and give her my milk, because I knew that was the best thing for her. I wanted my baby to have the best, even if it hurt me. I was convinced that giving her away was the best thing for her, because it seemed like that was what all the responsible adults were telling me. Why didn't I listen to Ina?! I wish I could have that moment back!
I remember sobbing while handing my baby over to Denise. She asked me if there was anything she could do to make it easier on me. It was a chance to get off the adoption train. I could have said, I don't want to do it! Instead, I said, be the best parents you know how to be. Denise later told me that after I left the room, she almost went down the hall and called me back to take my daughter. I told her, I would have taken my baby back from you that instant and never looked back. I wanted my baby! I wanted my baby!
Jennifer's bilirubin was high (probably because she was born at 37 weeks and because she wasn't being breastfed on demand, which helps flush the body of the broken down red blood cells), and so she had to stay at the hospital after I was discharged. After a day or two at home, I told my mom, I wanted to go back to the hospital and check on my daughter. I hadn't signed away my parental rights yet. My mom told me she wouldn't take me. I wish I had told her that I changed my mind and wanted to take my baby back. I couldn't drive myself to the hospital, or I would have driven to my baby's side and held her again.
Jennifer was born on a Wednesday. The court hearing was on the following Tuesday. She was six days old. I remember saying to the social worker/adoption agent that I didn't know if I could do it. She asked me if I wanted to put my child in foster care a few days and think it over. I thought I was being bad by entertaining the thought, so I quickly snapped the idea out of my head and said, no, I didn't want my baby to go to foster care. I wanted as little upheaval for her as possible. What I really wanted was to hold my baby again. My arms were aching with emptiness. I went to the hearing. It felt like I was in a fog. I don't know what happened. My mind has blocked that memory. I was shocked that I went through with it. I could have changed my mind, but wanted to be "good" and follow through with what I had promised. Oh how I wish I could undo that moment!
These memories keep replaying in my head over and over and over. I keep screaming to myself to have courage, to be truly brave. Everyone said I was being brave and courageous to give my baby up, but I didn't feel it. I felt defeated and beaten down. I needed a carseat, clothes for my baby, and diapers. I needed someone to help me navigate applying for welfare services. It was daunting. I tried during the pregnancy to apply for the help I needed and attended a WIC informational meeting. I found out I would need my parents' cooperation with income reporting and felt absolutely overwhelmed. My parents had never before given me access to their financial information. I felt it was a forbidden topic, so I went home from that appointment and just cried and cried and cried. And then I looked up adoption agencies in the phone book.
From the moment I called the adoption agency, they began calling me a birth mother, as though I had already decided to give my baby away. I instantly felt pressured and coerced. They gave me letters from potential adoptive parents to read, and all of them addressed me as a birth mother. So, I thought I was a birth mother, and to think otherwise I was somehow being selfish. After all, everything from the agency said it was a SELFLESS act to give my baby away. So, conversely, I would have been selfish to keep my baby, right? I asked to meet a couple from one of the letters, and that's when I met Kelley and Denise. I felt sorry for them, being unable to have a baby of their own, and because I was meeting them, I felt I had already promised them my baby. It was all so carefully done. I asked for information about adoption and was given an image that made it sound like my child would have a lifetime of lollipops, unicorns, and rainbows. I was assured my child would know she was adopted, and because of that, she would be okay with it, and wouldn't suffer any ill-effects from it. I was given hope that I would someday reunite with her and that we would have a happy, uncomplicated mother-daughter relationship. I was brought to numerous adoption panels so I could be served this kool-aid over and over and over. Looking back, I can see the brainwashing so clearly.
All of these thoughts are in a continuous loop in my head. I wake in the morning and I'm instantly replaying these memories. I replay them all day long, and fall asleep thinking about Jennifer, trying to hope, praying she will change her mind and talk to me again. I feel absolute despair about it, though.
While I was still pregnant, my grandpa's girlfriend, Ina, called me. She begged me to keep my baby, even offered me money so that I could keep my baby. By then I had resigned myself to the adoption, and had been pre-matched with a couple. I didn't want to let them down. I had promised them I would give them my baby. Also, I was single, and there was zero chance of getting married, because of my age and because the baby's father and I hadn't spoken during the entire pregnancy. We were both so young. My parents had been through a divorce, and I felt estranged from my father. I felt I had grown up without a dad, and that no matter how much money I had, I couldn't give her a dad unless I gave her away to strangers. While this was true, I was mistaken in thinking the remedy for my child having no father was to also not have her mother.
Just after the birth, I held my baby, caressed her, and studied her face. She was a beautiful baby, as are all of my children. I instantly loved her. I remember sitting up in bed crying and a staff member at the hospital came in and saw me crying and went and got someone to sit and talk with me. I think it was a nurse. I remember feeling enormous pressure to give my baby away, and this nurse was kind and offered me free pictures of my baby, a lock of her hair, and a hospital (unofficial) birth certificate with my daughter's foot prints on it. I agreed to these things. I hoped it would make it easier. I still have them tucked away, though most of my treasured pictures of her babyhood and childhood got water damaged at a later date. I still have that birth certificate. In fact, my daughter, Gwen, found it in my things a few days ago and brought it to me. She said she thought it might be important. I said it was important, and I told her what it was, then put it away safely. There was a place I could have jumped off the adoption train. I could have told that nurse that I didn't want to give my baby away, and could have asked for help. I could have asked to be shown how to breastfeed, and put my baby up to the breast right that moment. I did tell the nurse that I wanted to pump for my baby and give her my milk, because I knew that was the best thing for her. I wanted my baby to have the best, even if it hurt me. I was convinced that giving her away was the best thing for her, because it seemed like that was what all the responsible adults were telling me. Why didn't I listen to Ina?! I wish I could have that moment back!
I remember sobbing while handing my baby over to Denise. She asked me if there was anything she could do to make it easier on me. It was a chance to get off the adoption train. I could have said, I don't want to do it! Instead, I said, be the best parents you know how to be. Denise later told me that after I left the room, she almost went down the hall and called me back to take my daughter. I told her, I would have taken my baby back from you that instant and never looked back. I wanted my baby! I wanted my baby!
Jennifer's bilirubin was high (probably because she was born at 37 weeks and because she wasn't being breastfed on demand, which helps flush the body of the broken down red blood cells), and so she had to stay at the hospital after I was discharged. After a day or two at home, I told my mom, I wanted to go back to the hospital and check on my daughter. I hadn't signed away my parental rights yet. My mom told me she wouldn't take me. I wish I had told her that I changed my mind and wanted to take my baby back. I couldn't drive myself to the hospital, or I would have driven to my baby's side and held her again.
Jennifer was born on a Wednesday. The court hearing was on the following Tuesday. She was six days old. I remember saying to the social worker/adoption agent that I didn't know if I could do it. She asked me if I wanted to put my child in foster care a few days and think it over. I thought I was being bad by entertaining the thought, so I quickly snapped the idea out of my head and said, no, I didn't want my baby to go to foster care. I wanted as little upheaval for her as possible. What I really wanted was to hold my baby again. My arms were aching with emptiness. I went to the hearing. It felt like I was in a fog. I don't know what happened. My mind has blocked that memory. I was shocked that I went through with it. I could have changed my mind, but wanted to be "good" and follow through with what I had promised. Oh how I wish I could undo that moment!
These memories keep replaying in my head over and over and over. I keep screaming to myself to have courage, to be truly brave. Everyone said I was being brave and courageous to give my baby up, but I didn't feel it. I felt defeated and beaten down. I needed a carseat, clothes for my baby, and diapers. I needed someone to help me navigate applying for welfare services. It was daunting. I tried during the pregnancy to apply for the help I needed and attended a WIC informational meeting. I found out I would need my parents' cooperation with income reporting and felt absolutely overwhelmed. My parents had never before given me access to their financial information. I felt it was a forbidden topic, so I went home from that appointment and just cried and cried and cried. And then I looked up adoption agencies in the phone book.
From the moment I called the adoption agency, they began calling me a birth mother, as though I had already decided to give my baby away. I instantly felt pressured and coerced. They gave me letters from potential adoptive parents to read, and all of them addressed me as a birth mother. So, I thought I was a birth mother, and to think otherwise I was somehow being selfish. After all, everything from the agency said it was a SELFLESS act to give my baby away. So, conversely, I would have been selfish to keep my baby, right? I asked to meet a couple from one of the letters, and that's when I met Kelley and Denise. I felt sorry for them, being unable to have a baby of their own, and because I was meeting them, I felt I had already promised them my baby. It was all so carefully done. I asked for information about adoption and was given an image that made it sound like my child would have a lifetime of lollipops, unicorns, and rainbows. I was assured my child would know she was adopted, and because of that, she would be okay with it, and wouldn't suffer any ill-effects from it. I was given hope that I would someday reunite with her and that we would have a happy, uncomplicated mother-daughter relationship. I was brought to numerous adoption panels so I could be served this kool-aid over and over and over. Looking back, I can see the brainwashing so clearly.
All of these thoughts are in a continuous loop in my head. I wake in the morning and I'm instantly replaying these memories. I replay them all day long, and fall asleep thinking about Jennifer, trying to hope, praying she will change her mind and talk to me again. I feel absolute despair about it, though.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Truthful adoption quotes
I have, in my association with adoptees and birth/first/natural/biological mothers had some really validating conversations. Here are some quotes from conversations I have had, used with permission. This list will be added to as the conversation is not over.
"No , you are missing the point. The EXPERIENCE of extreme loss of mother at birth and beyond, at the point of separation, and ongoing, is a physical and emotional and psychological experience, it is not an intellectual experience. it is not a knowing and a rational (that is something else onto, and that comes along with genetic bewilderness and displacement) . It is a loss of their complete world, their wholeness, their mothers heartbeat, feelings, thoughts, rhythm, the mothers, and other of those around them, voice and energy. their familiarity.. bonding starts at conception, in utero. it is bonding of heart, mind. they know.they feel. they come out expecting to be with this world they have grown in, the world they have formed as forming themselves, and lose this and are taken into a foreign world, before they can speak, before they can react, beyond emotional development. Their ID is developing and their whole world has been ripped away. They go into shock. Their only way to cope is to cut off from the old world. and go into a new. and to only know grief as a living normal from their first beginning into this material world. (as I imagine it would be) adoption was meant to be about the care of orphans when there was no other choice. not creating orphans for the life style or moral disposition of culture or as 'remedy' to infertility of others. We expect these children to live with the greatest fear all children have, the loss of their mother, that their mother didn't want them, it underpins all our horror tales in childhood, and we expect them to be happy about it. " ~Kim
"Mothers are NOT interchangeable any more than our children are interchangeable." ~Melynda
"On rejection... it is not so much the mother rejecting the child, but society rejecting the mother." ~Liz
"I agree that a mother and a father who are sealed to each other and neither partner has ever cheated on the other *IS* the ideal situation in which to raise a child. The Family: A Proclamation to the World clearly states: 'Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.' However, we live in a fallen world where sometimes, we don't get the 'ideal' or even that to which we are entitled (to use the language from The Family: A Proclamation to the World). Sometimes, a parent dies. Sometimes parents get divorced. Sometimes parents who are sealed in the temple and married, fail to live up to other covenants.
"Do you have any of those situations among your own family and friends? Do you have any siblings, cousins, parents, uncles or aunts, or friends who passed away or got divorced, leaving behind the other parent to raise children as a single parent? Have their been any cases of infidelity in your family? (You don't have to really answer those questions in this public space, I am just asking you to relate this to your own life).
"If we, who claim to be God's people, are to fully implement The Family: A Proclamation to the World with absolute exactness, then the LDS church should urge *every* parent who is single for whatever reason (death, divorce, etc. - not just single expectant parents), parents who are not sealed to their spouse (part member families), or a parent who has cheated or been cheated on by their spouse 'do the right thing' and place their child(ren) for adoption in a home that has a mother and a father who are sealed in the temple and and have never participated in infidelity of any kind. After all, it clearly states children are 'entitled' to this kind of home.
"However, both you and I both recognize this to be a laughable suggestion, that EVERY parent who is single, not sealed to their spouse, or has been cheated on should relinquish their child(ren) for adoption to a sealed-in the temple couple. The push (social coercion) for single expectant parents to live to a different standard than all of the rest of the LDS membership is indicative of the black and white thinking our culture tends to engender. 'There's a right and a wrong to every question' sounds great in a hymn, but real life is a bit messier. There tends to be grey areas in which we have to use common sense, compassion, and our judgement.
"Socially engineering a substitute 'ideal' through the removal of a child from their biological kindred is NOT ****always**** the answer. Indeed, even the LDS church recognizes this. One of their primary arguments against same-sex marriage is, (as they state in their recent amicus curiae), 'Both social science and our own experience have taught that children thrive best when cared for by both of their biological parents.' This position is rather ironic considering their stance on urging single expectant parents give their infant non-biological people to raise.
"I love this church with all my heart, but this is one of those areas where efforts to socially engineer a substitute 'ideal' comes in conflict with some of our fundamental beliefs about the centrality of family and the importance of family preservation through genealogy and temple work.
"I don't know how this Gordian knot will be unraveled, what I *do* know is it is duplicitous of us, as the Lord's people, to say that 'Biological family matters!!!! They matter so much we spend MILLIONS of dollars a year helping people seek out their biological kindred dead. Family matters, except in the case of those girls who get themselves pregnant, then biological families don't matter to her, the father, OR their baby and she should give their baby to a couple who is sealed in the temple because, after all, that child is 'entitled' to parents who are sealed in the temple and don't cheat on each other.'
"Family matters. Mothers and fathers matter. Children matter. None are interchangeable, even when a parent is single (for whatever) or not sealed to their spouse." ~Melynda
"No , you are missing the point. The EXPERIENCE of extreme loss of mother at birth and beyond, at the point of separation, and ongoing, is a physical and emotional and psychological experience, it is not an intellectual experience. it is not a knowing and a rational (that is something else onto, and that comes along with genetic bewilderness and displacement) . It is a loss of their complete world, their wholeness, their mothers heartbeat, feelings, thoughts, rhythm, the mothers, and other of those around them, voice and energy. their familiarity.. bonding starts at conception, in utero. it is bonding of heart, mind. they know.they feel. they come out expecting to be with this world they have grown in, the world they have formed as forming themselves, and lose this and are taken into a foreign world, before they can speak, before they can react, beyond emotional development. Their ID is developing and their whole world has been ripped away. They go into shock. Their only way to cope is to cut off from the old world. and go into a new. and to only know grief as a living normal from their first beginning into this material world. (as I imagine it would be) adoption was meant to be about the care of orphans when there was no other choice. not creating orphans for the life style or moral disposition of culture or as 'remedy' to infertility of others. We expect these children to live with the greatest fear all children have, the loss of their mother, that their mother didn't want them, it underpins all our horror tales in childhood, and we expect them to be happy about it. " ~Kim
"Mothers are NOT interchangeable any more than our children are interchangeable." ~Melynda
"On rejection... it is not so much the mother rejecting the child, but society rejecting the mother." ~Liz
"I agree that a mother and a father who are sealed to each other and neither partner has ever cheated on the other *IS* the ideal situation in which to raise a child. The Family: A Proclamation to the World clearly states: 'Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.' However, we live in a fallen world where sometimes, we don't get the 'ideal' or even that to which we are entitled (to use the language from The Family: A Proclamation to the World). Sometimes, a parent dies. Sometimes parents get divorced. Sometimes parents who are sealed in the temple and married, fail to live up to other covenants.
"Do you have any of those situations among your own family and friends? Do you have any siblings, cousins, parents, uncles or aunts, or friends who passed away or got divorced, leaving behind the other parent to raise children as a single parent? Have their been any cases of infidelity in your family? (You don't have to really answer those questions in this public space, I am just asking you to relate this to your own life).
"If we, who claim to be God's people, are to fully implement The Family: A Proclamation to the World with absolute exactness, then the LDS church should urge *every* parent who is single for whatever reason (death, divorce, etc. - not just single expectant parents), parents who are not sealed to their spouse (part member families), or a parent who has cheated or been cheated on by their spouse 'do the right thing' and place their child(ren) for adoption in a home that has a mother and a father who are sealed in the temple and and have never participated in infidelity of any kind. After all, it clearly states children are 'entitled' to this kind of home.
"However, both you and I both recognize this to be a laughable suggestion, that EVERY parent who is single, not sealed to their spouse, or has been cheated on should relinquish their child(ren) for adoption to a sealed-in the temple couple. The push (social coercion) for single expectant parents to live to a different standard than all of the rest of the LDS membership is indicative of the black and white thinking our culture tends to engender. 'There's a right and a wrong to every question' sounds great in a hymn, but real life is a bit messier. There tends to be grey areas in which we have to use common sense, compassion, and our judgement.
"Socially engineering a substitute 'ideal' through the removal of a child from their biological kindred is NOT ****always**** the answer. Indeed, even the LDS church recognizes this. One of their primary arguments against same-sex marriage is, (as they state in their recent amicus curiae), 'Both social science and our own experience have taught that children thrive best when cared for by both of their biological parents.' This position is rather ironic considering their stance on urging single expectant parents give their infant non-biological people to raise.
"I love this church with all my heart, but this is one of those areas where efforts to socially engineer a substitute 'ideal' comes in conflict with some of our fundamental beliefs about the centrality of family and the importance of family preservation through genealogy and temple work.
"I don't know how this Gordian knot will be unraveled, what I *do* know is it is duplicitous of us, as the Lord's people, to say that 'Biological family matters!!!! They matter so much we spend MILLIONS of dollars a year helping people seek out their biological kindred dead. Family matters, except in the case of those girls who get themselves pregnant, then biological families don't matter to her, the father, OR their baby and she should give their baby to a couple who is sealed in the temple because, after all, that child is 'entitled' to parents who are sealed in the temple and don't cheat on each other.'
"Family matters. Mothers and fathers matter. Children matter. None are interchangeable, even when a parent is single (for whatever) or not sealed to their spouse." ~Melynda
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