Why I started this blog

I have been processing a lot of feelings concerning the placement and adoption of my daughter, Jennifer.  I've been posting them on my Facebook wall, and I don't want these things to be lost, so I decided to start a blog.  Here are some of my recent comments. 

3/11/14 (in response to another birthmother pointing out that we didn't have the internet back then)
Yes, we were isolated and our stories were never told before the internet. When a young pregnant mother contacted an agency and asked for information, she was given a sales pitch of how great it would be for their child. It seemed like lollipops and rainbows and unicorns. Now that the full truth can be had through the internet, I hope that sharing my pain, my story will help someone else avoid the same pain. What I have learned is that my story isn't unique. There's nothing wrong with me. I have been validated in reading the accounts of other birth parents and adoptees. I really should start a blog for my random comments concerning adoption.

3/10/14
Sometimes it is easier to believe that my baby was stolen from me, or that I was forced to relinquish my parental rights, because it is harder to accept the truth, that I chose my own worst nightmare and did it to myself. Yes, there was pressure, yes, there was lack of support, but in the end, I did it to myself, and to my daughter. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would never have listened to all the naysayers. I would have followed my heart. I wanted my baby girl. I even had a used crib set up in my bedroom, and was trying to get the money pulled together to buy a car seat. I went to a yard sale and bought some used clothes for her. I turned 15 just ten days before she was born. I was delighted when I found out it was a GIRL! I wanted a girl so much! I wanted to breastfeed. Even though I never put her up to my breast to nurse, I pumped milk for her and had the social worker bring it to her parents so that she would have her mother's milk. I wanted to give her the best.

3/8/14 (posted in an LDS birth mother support group page)
 I've been bouncing some ideas on doctrine around in my head. This is my newest "aha" moment. I hope the Spirit will confirm whether this is truth to me, and to you. So, here it is: Our children are sealed to their adoptive parents (mine wasn't because she wasn't raised in an LDS home, but if her temple work was done, she would be sealed to her parents). What does this actually mean? From what I can read about it, it means that our children have claim upon their a-parents for their upbringing, for teaching them the gospel, and that they are given the rights to the parents' priesthood, and lineage. Okay. Does it mean that our children cannot have any association with us, or relationship with us in the eternities? I cannot find anything that says we won't know them, or that they won't know us. I think of the handful of lifelong friends I have, and how I am sure I will know them in the eternities, and have a relationship with them. It wouldn't be Heaven without these friends. Even more so, it wouldn't be Heaven if I didn't know and have a relationship with my daughter, whether or not she has any claim on my lineage, or on me to teach her the gospel. All I want is to know her and to be loved by her and to love her. That's it. Does our loving Heavenly Father actually want to stop our motherlove from reaching our children? That seems so contrary to everything I know about Him. So, as the birth mothers, the first mothers, the natural mothers of these children, what can we do in this life so that Heaven will really be Heaven? I think we can do as we would do for any of our other children. Pray and fast for them. Pray that their hearts will be turned to God and that they will know and love and follow their Heavenly Father. Pray that they will be sealed to their spouses, because THAT is the saving ordinance.

Some other things have crossed my mind that I want to offer up to this little group. Moses was adopted, but his life mission and identity and lineage was with his birth family, not his adoptive family. When Hagar gave birth to Ishmael in the wilderness, the Lord blessed them. She was basically a single parent, because Sarah sent her away. Is single parenthood really that terrible, if the Lord blessed her? When Joseph and Emma Smith adopted the Murdock twins, were they sealed to them? Are women really saved in childbearing and rearing, if they are able to raise those children up to the Lord and offer up to the Lord a righteous posterity? If so, then how much will it affect us eternally that we do not have stewardship over, and claim upon our relinquished children? After reading over the counsel in the handbook again, it says that if the unwed parents place their baby for adoption, it will bless the birth parents, adoptee, and adoptive parents for time and eternity. What specific blessings have we been given, as the birth parents? I'm especially interested in what eternal blessings we will have. When the scriptures say that the barren woman will be blessed above the woman who has many children in the eternities, I take that to mean that they will have children of their own. If that is the case, then why would they need our children? I don't think they will. It's quite possible they may give our children back to us. Sorry for my ramblings... I just have so many deep, unanswered questions.

3/8/14 (in response to a friend saying that she had changed her thoughts on adoption due to my postings)
It has taken me over two decades to finally start saying what is in my heart and in my mind. I think I was afraid to see the truth, because it is so unimaginably excruciating. I'm finally facing the reality of what I have done. It is absolutely the most horrifying and terrible thing I have ever done in my life. It's wrenching. Thoughts and memories of moments harrow my soul continuously. For a long time, I drank the kool-aid, trying to believe that adoption was something good and positive so that I could live with myself. Now I see it for what it is. I cannot go back in time and undo it, but I can tell the truth about adoption and maybe help those around me realize they aren't helping anyone when they encourage an unwed mother to give her baby, her own flesh and blood, away to someone else.

3/7/14
Don't tell a birthmother that she should really just get over it, after all, it's been so many years. Stop telling her that she was very brave, courageous, loving, and selfless. I drank that kool-aid for too many years. It's crap. All of it. The truth? I felt enormous pressure to do the "right thing" and give my baby away to strangers, and I finally gave into that pressure. I can honestly say now, over 22 years later, this was the absolute WORST decision I have ever made. Grief over my daughter, J, and grief over my son, Elliott, have similarities, but with J, it's the loss of all the missed birthdays, all the firsts, all the holidays, loss of an ongoing relationship in her adult life, and the loss of her as my daughter for eternity. Losing Elliott, while terrible, has finality in this life, and hope for absolute happiness and fulfillment in the eternities. I haven't missed any of his birthdays, because they haven't happened yet. I still get to enjoy those special times during the millennium. It's something I can look forward to, and it eases my pain. I declare, after losing two children, one through adoption and one through death, that losing a child through death is actually EASIER than losing a child through adoption. Not only is it harder to lose through adoption, but society treats the two completely differently. A birthmother is told to dry her tears and move on. A bereaved parent of a dead child is comforted, because society recognizes the loss of a child to be the worst grief a person can experience, and rightfully so (but the loss of a child through adoption is JUST AS TERRIBLE, and THE PAIN LASTS FOR ETERNITY). I will never be whole without ALL of my children, and that can never be.

2/9/14
March is just around the corner. It marks three years since my baby son, Elliott, died, and one year since my relinquished daughter, Jennifer, decided to cut off contact with me. I grieve deeply. I grieve for more than one child, and in a way that most people cannot understand, because they don't think I have the right to consider her my child. I listened to them for over 21 years, to the destruction of my relationship with her, and now I'll never get another chance, not here, and not in the hereafter. My grief is everlasting. Pile that grief for Jennifer, plus the grief for Elliott, and add the missing of and worry over my son, Alex, who is in prison right now... pile it all together, and it's not hard to see why I am so sad. And could the sun come out and let's just have spring now? I'm becoming less and less able to keep it together when Lonny is absent. Am I mentally disabled in some way, or just having a normal reaction to several deep and penetrating, life-altering, sad, on-going experiences? I'm tired of pulling myself up by the boot straps and facing life. Every day is punctuated with several crying sessions. Really. Every. Single. Day. Please, don't call me. Don't private message me. I can't accept your reaching hands right now. I'm too deep in the pit. Too deep. Just pray that I might have peace, and help me to forgive myself for a lifetime of poor decision-making. And for God's sake! Don't tell another unwed pregnant teenager to abort or to give her baby away to strangers!!! HELP her to find a way!

2/7/14 (a hopeful moment, after many hours in prayer and meditation)
I know the truth when I hear it, because my spirit leaps with joy, hope, and peace within me. That's what I must cling to when I need courage and strength and assurance. That's how Jesus is wiping away my every tear.