Why I (an adoptive parent) am not pro-adoption
I could have written this myself, it spoke exactly the words in my mind, except that I am a first mom, not an adoptive mother.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
The Reader's Digest Version of My Story
I got pregnant when I was 14, and was given a lot of pressure to abort
my baby. I refused. So then the pressure and coercion to give my baby
up for adoption began. I felt hopeless and helpless, and I finally
decided to do what all the adults
wanted me to do. No one told me of the psychological damage that a
newborn can have that affects them for life by being ripped from their
natural mother. No one told me the lifelong grief I would experience.
We had contact all through her growing up years, and I thought this adoption thing had worked out just fine for everyone involved. Then my daughter cut off contact last year, after I had basically stabbed her heart and ripped it open by rejecting and abandoning her again and again. I thought it was my duty to push her to her a-parents. I thought I didn't have any right to feel motherly feelings towards her or even call her my daughter. She was supposed to be NOTHING to me. I complied. I was always a good birthmother, well-adjusted, and at peace with my decision. Always deferring to her a-parents.
When I was expecting baby #11, I was asking for baby name suggestions, and explained to my FB friends that I don't re-use any of the initials of any of my children, but I said we could re-use a J, because she was given up for adoption. Ouch. That really, really hurt her, but I thought I was doing what she wanted. I didn't think she wanted me to consider her my daughter. I didn't think I was allowed to think like that. So, after she saw that post, she cut off contact with me, and I believe she probably hates me.
Since that event, I have set out to educate myself and have learned a lot about the not-so-pretty side of adoption. I'm done drinking the adoption kool-aid. I am setting out to educate others, and by some of my posts, I have been successful. There have been a lot of debates in response to some of my posts, and I think it has been a learning experience for me and all those around me. We must never forget that everyone in the adoption triad had a choice, EXCEPT THE CHILD. Adoption is something that happened to the child.
Anyway, so that is the Reader's Digest version of my story.
We had contact all through her growing up years, and I thought this adoption thing had worked out just fine for everyone involved. Then my daughter cut off contact last year, after I had basically stabbed her heart and ripped it open by rejecting and abandoning her again and again. I thought it was my duty to push her to her a-parents. I thought I didn't have any right to feel motherly feelings towards her or even call her my daughter. She was supposed to be NOTHING to me. I complied. I was always a good birthmother, well-adjusted, and at peace with my decision. Always deferring to her a-parents.
When I was expecting baby #11, I was asking for baby name suggestions, and explained to my FB friends that I don't re-use any of the initials of any of my children, but I said we could re-use a J, because she was given up for adoption. Ouch. That really, really hurt her, but I thought I was doing what she wanted. I didn't think she wanted me to consider her my daughter. I didn't think I was allowed to think like that. So, after she saw that post, she cut off contact with me, and I believe she probably hates me.
Since that event, I have set out to educate myself and have learned a lot about the not-so-pretty side of adoption. I'm done drinking the adoption kool-aid. I am setting out to educate others, and by some of my posts, I have been successful. There have been a lot of debates in response to some of my posts, and I think it has been a learning experience for me and all those around me. We must never forget that everyone in the adoption triad had a choice, EXCEPT THE CHILD. Adoption is something that happened to the child.
Anyway, so that is the Reader's Digest version of my story.
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