It's November. I am reminded of all the pain I caused my daughter through my rejection of her. I try to forgive myself by realizing that I was young. That makes me even more infuriated though. I was young. Because I was young I was exploited. The adoption machinery took advantage of my naivete. They didn't tell me the whole truth. They knew that relinquishing my daughter for adoption would cause me psychological harm that would last for the rest of my life. They also knew that being relinquished would cause my daughter to feel life-long rejection and abandonment. But they did such a good job at hiding this from me.
They convinced me that giving my child up, though extremely painful to me, was best for my daughter. They told me I had no right to be the mother of my child. I should purge every maternal feeling from my heart. So I did. I did such a good job at this and was patting myself on the back for being such a "good" birthmother. I didn't realize all this time how much I was hurting her. She never felt a part of my life, or wanted by me, and I inadvertently did all I could to ensure she would feel this way. All the time I was thinking that I was doing what was recommended, and what was best for her. My God! How I wish I could turn back the clock! I wish I would have listened to my young teenage heart. I knew more than I gave myself credit for at the time, and the adoption machinery preyed on my insecurity.
The agency had a "sale" to make. My daughter was their product. They were very careful with me so as to not lose the supplier of their product. Oh God! How can this ever be made right?! I can never make up for all the hurt I caused her. I can never make up for all the years I missed. I want to believe that Jesus will wipe away all my tears and all the tears of my daughter, but how can that be? My daughter does not want to be part of my life now, and I can understand why. I pushed her away so many times because I was being careful not to overstep my boundaries. In my final act of rejection, I went out of my way to exclude her from my list of children, mentioning her and then casting her aside as if she was not important to me in the least.
How could I have been so awful to her? Why didn't I see it through her eyes? How could I have been so blinded by the adoption mantra that birthmothers are supposed to sing... "I placed my child for adoption because I wanted a better life for her. I did such a wonderful, brave, courageous thing." I believed that for so many years. It was what I hung onto in my darkest hours for so many years. Now there is nothing to hang onto in my grief. The grief from losing my daughter and my horror at realizing all the pain I caused us both will never leave me. There is no light at the end of this tunnel. I feel just as hopeless and desperate as I did when I was pregnant with her. Only now there is no social worker, no adoption agency whispering the rainbow, lollipop, unicorn story in my ears. It's silent here. Silence in my empty heart that will never leave me.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
I agree 100% with this post!
Why I (an adoptive parent) am not pro-adoption
I could have written this myself, it spoke exactly the words in my mind, except that I am a first mom, not an adoptive mother.
I could have written this myself, it spoke exactly the words in my mind, except that I am a first mom, not an adoptive mother.
The Reader's Digest Version of My Story
I got pregnant when I was 14, and was given a lot of pressure to abort
my baby. I refused. So then the pressure and coercion to give my baby
up for adoption began. I felt hopeless and helpless, and I finally
decided to do what all the adults
wanted me to do. No one told me of the psychological damage that a
newborn can have that affects them for life by being ripped from their
natural mother. No one told me the lifelong grief I would experience.
We had contact all through her growing up years, and I thought this adoption thing had worked out just fine for everyone involved. Then my daughter cut off contact last year, after I had basically stabbed her heart and ripped it open by rejecting and abandoning her again and again. I thought it was my duty to push her to her a-parents. I thought I didn't have any right to feel motherly feelings towards her or even call her my daughter. She was supposed to be NOTHING to me. I complied. I was always a good birthmother, well-adjusted, and at peace with my decision. Always deferring to her a-parents.
When I was expecting baby #11, I was asking for baby name suggestions, and explained to my FB friends that I don't re-use any of the initials of any of my children, but I said we could re-use a J, because she was given up for adoption. Ouch. That really, really hurt her, but I thought I was doing what she wanted. I didn't think she wanted me to consider her my daughter. I didn't think I was allowed to think like that. So, after she saw that post, she cut off contact with me, and I believe she probably hates me.
Since that event, I have set out to educate myself and have learned a lot about the not-so-pretty side of adoption. I'm done drinking the adoption kool-aid. I am setting out to educate others, and by some of my posts, I have been successful. There have been a lot of debates in response to some of my posts, and I think it has been a learning experience for me and all those around me. We must never forget that everyone in the adoption triad had a choice, EXCEPT THE CHILD. Adoption is something that happened to the child.
Anyway, so that is the Reader's Digest version of my story.
We had contact all through her growing up years, and I thought this adoption thing had worked out just fine for everyone involved. Then my daughter cut off contact last year, after I had basically stabbed her heart and ripped it open by rejecting and abandoning her again and again. I thought it was my duty to push her to her a-parents. I thought I didn't have any right to feel motherly feelings towards her or even call her my daughter. She was supposed to be NOTHING to me. I complied. I was always a good birthmother, well-adjusted, and at peace with my decision. Always deferring to her a-parents.
When I was expecting baby #11, I was asking for baby name suggestions, and explained to my FB friends that I don't re-use any of the initials of any of my children, but I said we could re-use a J, because she was given up for adoption. Ouch. That really, really hurt her, but I thought I was doing what she wanted. I didn't think she wanted me to consider her my daughter. I didn't think I was allowed to think like that. So, after she saw that post, she cut off contact with me, and I believe she probably hates me.
Since that event, I have set out to educate myself and have learned a lot about the not-so-pretty side of adoption. I'm done drinking the adoption kool-aid. I am setting out to educate others, and by some of my posts, I have been successful. There have been a lot of debates in response to some of my posts, and I think it has been a learning experience for me and all those around me. We must never forget that everyone in the adoption triad had a choice, EXCEPT THE CHILD. Adoption is something that happened to the child.
Anyway, so that is the Reader's Digest version of my story.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Exploited by Adoption
This is a link I came across which I hope will be helpful for anyone trying to understand what first mothers feel, and what their experiences are.
Babies Taken for Adoption
Babies Taken for Adoption
Friday, May 9, 2014
A friend's FB post, trying to comfort me
A FB friend of mine tagged me in her post of this meme. I commented with this:
Me: I had to give one child back, because that's what God desired. I am at peace with that. I am not, and will not ever be, at peace with being exploited and robbed of my own flesh and blood, just to please the covetous desires of a wealthy, infertile couple. I didn't have to give my child away to anyone, as this meme says. I was just so young and naive, and the adoption machinery took advantage of me. I did not WANT to give my baby away. I was thrilled when I discovered I was pregnant. I WANTED my baby.
ML: I totally get it. You have every right to be so angry! And I still think you and every other mother deserves appreciation and respect.
Mother's Day
Taken from my Facebook status:
Me, original post: Mother's Day! A day where I am supposed to be so happy, and revel in all my offspring. But I can't enjoy it fully. It has been a day that has stung ever since 1992, the first Mother's Day since I was pressured into relinquishing my parental rights by the adoption machinery. They exploited me because I was young and poor, so that an infertile couple could fulfill their covetous desires. Happy Mother's Day.
PW: Careful with the term covetous. It's a desire many have and yet when unfulfilled the heart aches more and more. God gave them a gift through you. I'm sorry you can't focus on the many blessings you have on Mother's Day.
MF: Oh, P. I won't even start.
But Laura Grout - I am so very sorry you are hurting. Your loss is real. Your grief is real. I am so sorry your motherhood and personhood was not respected all those years ago. Know you are held in my heart and prayers the difficult weekend.
MF: cov·et·ous
ˈkəvətəs/
adjective
adjective: covetous
having or showing a great desire to possess something, typically something belonging to someone else.
The scriptures are absolutely clear on this matter. Exodus 20:17 "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."
We are commanded, by God, to not covet ANYTHING. That includes children. There is no addendum stating that infertile couples get a pass on this commandment. They are under the same law as the rest of us. Unfortunately, God didn't include "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's children or the single unwed mother's newborn." Perhaps it might have been better if he had spelled that out, Pamela. Then folks would understand that being infertile does not exempt them from covetous behavior.
MF: (Sorry Laura Grout, I couldn't restrain myself.)
MF: And PS, P: http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/adoption-is-regifting-from-god/
Me: I correctly used the word covetous. It is absolutely covetous to desire another person's child.
Me: And P, I do see the many blessings I have, but I also have an incurable grief that will never pass because I caved under the tremendous pressure and brainwashing that made me believe it was my idea to give my baby away. It wasn't at all my idea. NOT AT ALL. I caved. There was nothing brave, courageous, or selfless about it, but those are the lies I tried so hard to believe all these years. So when my kids make their little pictures and give them to me, and pick their handfuls of dandelions and show me their pretty bouquets on Sunday, I will enjoy it, but I will also be thinking of all the missed Mother's Days without my daughter. This unresolvable grief makes it difficult to nurture and care for my other children, because every time I look into their eyes, I miss all the times I could have looked into my daughter's eyes. Every time I put my baby to my breast, I am reminded of the flowing milk I was forbidden to give my first baby, and the emotional and physical pain I had drying up. Mothers and babies are NOT interchangeable. God gave my baby to ME, not to someone else. It's not at all like the Michael McLean song, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours." No, and it's sick that anyone could even think that! A line from the song, "I knew the only peace I'd find was if this child was yours," BULL! I haven't felt peace in over 22 years.
Me: It isn't covetous to want children. Wanting offspring is a righteous desire. Wanting someone else's children is covetous. That's a big difference.
ML: Laura Grout I'm so sorry for your pain. Thank you for your courage to express yourself. We must be more aware in every instance, not just this issue, where our behavior impacts others. Especially when we are in a position of power and stewardship over someone else. We must tread very carefully when another's agency is concerned. Force ALWAYS feels bad. ALWAYS. Even if it looks like the "right" thing, if it's forced, it's going to feel awful. May you be surrounded by understanding hearts and be gentle with yourself as you grieve such a tragedy.
GK: Have you tried to find your daughter?
Me: Yes.
GK: I hope you are reunited some day.
Me: Me, too. It's a long story. We had contact all through her childhood, and into young adulthood, but our relationship was strained when I didn't even know it was, and she cut off contact with me over a year ago. I don't know if she'll ever give me another chance, or if it is hopeless.
GK: I'm so sorry Laura, that must make it even harder. I hope time heals the wounds in her heart, and that she realizes how much you love her and comes back.
Me: The aching, never-ending grief, which is completely dismissed by most of society (as if I don't have permission to feel motherly feelings for my own child... FEELINGS which I TRIED to repress for two decades, which ended up pushing my daughter away from me... I'm such a good birthmother, right? I didn't make the a-parents worry one bit... I was always "good"), sucks the joy out of life. I have to really make an effort every day, just to breathe. I spent much of the month of March (the month that my son died, and the month that my daughter cut off contact) contemplating the best way to commit suicide, and then talking myself out of it again.
I always think of my daughter everyday, and have for over 22 years. When she cut off contact, I started reading and learning about the negative effects that adoption has on adoptees (clinical information from professionals, and anecdotal stories from individual adoptees), and then the full horror of what I did to my daughter hit me. I struggle every day to breathe in, breathe out, and find a way to forgive my 15 year old self. I wasn't given ALL of the information I needed to make the right choice for my daughter. I was, instead, fed a story that my daughter would live a happier, unicorn, rainbow life without me. Why was I fed this lie? Because the people who have the money are the people who have the power, and a young 15 year old girl doesn't have either money or power.
Me, original post: Mother's Day! A day where I am supposed to be so happy, and revel in all my offspring. But I can't enjoy it fully. It has been a day that has stung ever since 1992, the first Mother's Day since I was pressured into relinquishing my parental rights by the adoption machinery. They exploited me because I was young and poor, so that an infertile couple could fulfill their covetous desires. Happy Mother's Day.
PW: Careful with the term covetous. It's a desire many have and yet when unfulfilled the heart aches more and more. God gave them a gift through you. I'm sorry you can't focus on the many blessings you have on Mother's Day.
MF: Oh, P. I won't even start.
But Laura Grout - I am so very sorry you are hurting. Your loss is real. Your grief is real. I am so sorry your motherhood and personhood was not respected all those years ago. Know you are held in my heart and prayers the difficult weekend.
MF: cov·et·ous
ˈkəvətəs/
adjective
adjective: covetous
having or showing a great desire to possess something, typically something belonging to someone else.
The scriptures are absolutely clear on this matter. Exodus 20:17 "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."
We are commanded, by God, to not covet ANYTHING. That includes children. There is no addendum stating that infertile couples get a pass on this commandment. They are under the same law as the rest of us. Unfortunately, God didn't include "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's children or the single unwed mother's newborn." Perhaps it might have been better if he had spelled that out, Pamela. Then folks would understand that being infertile does not exempt them from covetous behavior.
MF: (Sorry Laura Grout, I couldn't restrain myself.)
MF: And PS, P: http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/adoption-is-regifting-from-god/
Me: I correctly used the word covetous. It is absolutely covetous to desire another person's child.
Me: And P, I do see the many blessings I have, but I also have an incurable grief that will never pass because I caved under the tremendous pressure and brainwashing that made me believe it was my idea to give my baby away. It wasn't at all my idea. NOT AT ALL. I caved. There was nothing brave, courageous, or selfless about it, but those are the lies I tried so hard to believe all these years. So when my kids make their little pictures and give them to me, and pick their handfuls of dandelions and show me their pretty bouquets on Sunday, I will enjoy it, but I will also be thinking of all the missed Mother's Days without my daughter. This unresolvable grief makes it difficult to nurture and care for my other children, because every time I look into their eyes, I miss all the times I could have looked into my daughter's eyes. Every time I put my baby to my breast, I am reminded of the flowing milk I was forbidden to give my first baby, and the emotional and physical pain I had drying up. Mothers and babies are NOT interchangeable. God gave my baby to ME, not to someone else. It's not at all like the Michael McLean song, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours." No, and it's sick that anyone could even think that! A line from the song, "I knew the only peace I'd find was if this child was yours," BULL! I haven't felt peace in over 22 years.
Me: It isn't covetous to want children. Wanting offspring is a righteous desire. Wanting someone else's children is covetous. That's a big difference.
ML: Laura Grout I'm so sorry for your pain. Thank you for your courage to express yourself. We must be more aware in every instance, not just this issue, where our behavior impacts others. Especially when we are in a position of power and stewardship over someone else. We must tread very carefully when another's agency is concerned. Force ALWAYS feels bad. ALWAYS. Even if it looks like the "right" thing, if it's forced, it's going to feel awful. May you be surrounded by understanding hearts and be gentle with yourself as you grieve such a tragedy.
GK: Have you tried to find your daughter?
Me: Yes.
GK: I hope you are reunited some day.
Me: Me, too. It's a long story. We had contact all through her childhood, and into young adulthood, but our relationship was strained when I didn't even know it was, and she cut off contact with me over a year ago. I don't know if she'll ever give me another chance, or if it is hopeless.
GK: I'm so sorry Laura, that must make it even harder. I hope time heals the wounds in her heart, and that she realizes how much you love her and comes back.
Me: The aching, never-ending grief, which is completely dismissed by most of society (as if I don't have permission to feel motherly feelings for my own child... FEELINGS which I TRIED to repress for two decades, which ended up pushing my daughter away from me... I'm such a good birthmother, right? I didn't make the a-parents worry one bit... I was always "good"), sucks the joy out of life. I have to really make an effort every day, just to breathe. I spent much of the month of March (the month that my son died, and the month that my daughter cut off contact) contemplating the best way to commit suicide, and then talking myself out of it again.
I always think of my daughter everyday, and have for over 22 years. When she cut off contact, I started reading and learning about the negative effects that adoption has on adoptees (clinical information from professionals, and anecdotal stories from individual adoptees), and then the full horror of what I did to my daughter hit me. I struggle every day to breathe in, breathe out, and find a way to forgive my 15 year old self. I wasn't given ALL of the information I needed to make the right choice for my daughter. I was, instead, fed a story that my daughter would live a happier, unicorn, rainbow life without me. Why was I fed this lie? Because the people who have the money are the people who have the power, and a young 15 year old girl doesn't have either money or power.
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