Taken from my Facebook status:
Me, original post: Mother's Day! A day where I am supposed to be so happy, and revel in
all my offspring. But I can't enjoy it fully. It has been a day that has
stung ever since 1992, the first Mother's Day since I was pressured
into relinquishing my parental rights by the adoption machinery. They
exploited me because I was young and poor, so that an infertile couple
could fulfill their covetous desires. Happy Mother's Day.
PW:
Careful
with the term covetous. It's a desire many have and yet when
unfulfilled the heart aches more and more. God gave them a gift through
you. I'm sorry you can't focus on the many blessings you have on
Mother's Day.
MF: Oh, P. I won't even start.
But Laura Grout
- I am so very sorry you are hurting. Your loss is real. Your grief is
real. I am so sorry your motherhood and personhood was not respected all
those years ago. Know you are held in my heart and prayers the
difficult weekend.
MF: cov·et·ous
ˈkəvətəs/
adjective
adjective: covetous
having or showing a great desire to possess something, typically something belonging to someone else.
The
scriptures are absolutely clear on this matter. Exodus 20:17 "Thou
shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy
neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox,
nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."
We
are commanded, by God, to not covet ANYTHING. That includes children.
There is no addendum stating that infertile couples get a pass on this
commandment. They are under the same law as the rest of us.
Unfortunately, God didn't include "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's
children or the single unwed mother's newborn." Perhaps it might have
been better if he had spelled that out, Pamela. Then folks would
understand that being infertile does not exempt them from covetous
behavior.
MF: (Sorry Laura Grout, I couldn't restrain myself.)
MF: And PS, P: http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/adoption-is-regifting-from-god/
Me: I correctly used the word covetous. It is absolutely covetous to desire another person's child.
Me: And P,
I do see the many blessings I have, but I also have an incurable grief
that will never pass because I caved under the tremendous pressure and
brainwashing that made me believe it was my idea to give my baby away.
It wasn't at all my idea.
NOT AT ALL. I caved. There was nothing brave, courageous, or selfless
about it, but those are the lies I tried so hard to believe all these
years. So when my kids make their little pictures and give them to me,
and pick their handfuls of dandelions and show me their pretty bouquets
on Sunday, I will enjoy it, but I will also be thinking of all the
missed Mother's Days without my daughter. This unresolvable grief makes
it difficult to nurture and care for my other children, because every
time I look into their eyes, I miss all the times I could have looked
into my daughter's eyes. Every time I put my baby to my breast, I am
reminded of the flowing milk I was forbidden to give my first baby, and
the emotional and physical pain I had drying up. Mothers and babies are
NOT interchangeable. God gave my baby to ME, not to someone else.
It's not at all like the Michael McLean song, "From God's Arms to My
Arms to Yours." No, and it's sick that anyone could even think that! A
line from the song, "I knew the only peace I'd find was if this child
was yours," BULL! I haven't felt peace in over 22 years.
Me: It
isn't covetous to want children. Wanting offspring is a righteous
desire. Wanting someone else's children is covetous. That's a big
difference.
ML: Laura Grout
I'm so sorry for your pain. Thank you for your courage to express
yourself. We must be more aware in every instance, not just this issue,
where our behavior impacts others. Especially when we are in a
position of power and stewardship over
someone else. We must tread very carefully when another's agency is
concerned. Force ALWAYS feels bad. ALWAYS. Even if it looks like the
"right" thing, if it's forced, it's going to feel awful. May you be
surrounded by understanding hearts and be gentle with yourself as you
grieve such a tragedy.
GK: Have you tried to find your daughter?
Me: Yes.
GK: I hope you are reunited some day.
Me: Me,
too. It's a long story. We had contact all through her childhood, and
into young adulthood, but our relationship was strained when I didn't
even know it was, and she cut off contact with me over a year ago. I
don't know if she'll ever give me another chance, or if it is hopeless.
GK: I'm
so sorry Laura, that must make it even harder. I hope time heals the
wounds in her heart, and that she realizes how much you love her and
comes back.
Me: The
aching, never-ending grief, which is completely dismissed by most of
society (as if I don't have permission to feel motherly feelings for my
own child... FEELINGS which I TRIED to repress for two decades, which
ended up pushing my daughter away from me... I'm such a good
birthmother, right? I didn't make the a-parents worry one bit... I was
always "good"), sucks the joy out of life. I have to really make an
effort every day, just to breathe. I spent much of the month of March
(the month that my son died, and the month that my daughter cut off
contact) contemplating the best way to commit suicide, and then talking
myself out of it again.
I
always think of my daughter everyday, and have for over 22 years. When
she cut off contact, I started reading and learning about the negative
effects that adoption has on adoptees (clinical information from
professionals, and anecdotal stories from individual adoptees), and then
the full horror of what I did to my daughter hit me. I struggle every
day to breathe in, breathe out, and find a way to forgive my 15 year old
self. I wasn't given ALL of the information I needed to make the right
choice for my daughter. I was, instead, fed a story that my daughter
would live a happier, unicorn, rainbow life without me. Why was I fed
this lie? Because the people who have the money are the people who have
the power, and a young 15 year old girl doesn't have either money or
power.
